Thursday, July 9, 2009

Epiphanies

I keep waiting for an epiphany to fall in my lap, bright, shiny, and easy to understand.

But I know that's not the way to find epiphanies.

Instead, my epiphany might smell like woodsmoke, or sweat, or Autumn. Maybe it'll sound like rain on a tin roof, or crickets chirping, or laughter. Perhaps it'll look like fresh turned earth, rich and brown, or spray paint on a wall, or the flash of a raccoon's eyes at night, bright, inquisitive, and utterly wild.

I don't know when I'll find it.

I guess I'll have to wait and see. But I know I can't wait passively. As much as I try and avoid knowing so, evade the question, delude myself, I *know* that if I want to figure life out, I need to stretch myself, to grow, to reach out. To walk new paths and meet new people.

And the thought of doing so scares me shitless. So I make excuses that are half true, procrastinate, and wait for bright shiny epiphanies to fall in my lap.

If I believed in God, as such, I'd pray for strength. As it is, I know that I have the strength, I just need to do it. To let go. Of so much piled up fear, and uncertainty, and self doubt, and a million other emotions.

I can do it. I know I can. Actually doing anything, on the other hand, is considerably harder.

God, the Divine, the Universe, the Great Mother, and anyone else who's listening, give me strength.

Peace,
Idzie

2 comments:

  1. Have you tried bibliomancy, yet? My father wrote about this. Take a book, open it anywhere, read the first sentence you see. Consider how it might be a message sent just for you, at that exact moment.

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  2. Idzie, just wanted to say I've been there. Am there at different times. I will say God, the Divine, the Universe, and the Great Mother are all listening. Guardian angels, animal spirit guides, and your ancestors are also listening. I'm serious. It's really admirable that you realize "I need to stretch myself, to grow, to reach out. To walk new paths and meet new people." And that you realize that scares you.

    I think many of us have a part of us that wants to stop us from doing what we really want. It does take a lot of strength and courage to take those next steps all along the way if those steps are significant and meaningful to you. But a good thing to keep in mind is that you only have to take that one next step, you don't have to get to that destination you're imagining right now or doing anything extra to challenge yourself: just that next step.

    And you'll fall down, fall back and procrastinate but as long as you eventually keep taking the next step you'll make progress. And you'll have help from many sources: there are so many people seen and unseen who want to help someone who wants to shine their light and share their gifts.

    Dunno if this way too long and dramatic: but like I said I've been there! Here's a couple rap/poems I've written about being scared shitless and looking for meaningful challenges that I hope might help: "Putting my Whole Heart In": http://eligerzon.com/article.php?id=53

    And "Looking for a Test": http://eligerzon.com/article.php?id=39

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