Feeling, at the moment, stressed, angry, sad, lost, dissatisfied... Like I've got things half figured out, but I'm not quite sure how to proceed...
I know that in the long term I want to live in a way that works with the earth, not against it. I want to live in a supportive sustainable community, one that respects the rights and autonomy of each individual, as well as respecting the earth in a very real way, not a lonely house in the suburbs, where the primary concern is who's lawn is greener.
In the short term, I know I don't want to go to school full time. I also feel I need to find a way to support myself soon, because right now, I'm not earning any money, and I'm starting to feel guilty about living with my parents and not contributing financially. I also know that I will not work at a job that I feel is a negative thing for the earth or human community. All that is fairly straight forward. My problem now becomes, how the fuck am I supposed to do it??
When you follow the traditional path, it's all laid out neatly before you. A leads to B leads to C, in an orderly path from high school, to CEGEP, to University, to a job in your field of study. When you're not following a traditional route, however, it's much more complicated. You have to figure it out on your own. And I'm not sure if I'm being too picky, or not looking in the right places, or letting fear get in the way, or some mix of all three, but I'm really having trouble figuring things out.
Vegetarian cooking schools don't exist in Montreal or the surrounding area, and with the education fund thingy I have, they'll only pay if it's a registered institution (now there's something my parents are kicking themselves over), so taking any old vegetarian cooking course that simply looks interesting isn't an option. The only natural health school in Montreal focuses mainly on Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine, and homeopathy, none of which I have any interest in practicing, since I'm far from convinced of their efficacy (if you are, that's fine. I don't dismiss them out of hand, but to be able to practice a form of medicine, I feel you should have absolute confidence in it). I want to learn about herblore, herbal healing, and that's considerably harder.
To make matters even more complicated, neither vegetarian cooking nor herbal healing are even my primary passions. All they are, are things I'm quite interested in, and don't think I'd mind doing for a living.
My primary passion is learning. How people learn. Unschooling... My other main passion is finding out about tribal peoples, and figuring out how people *should* be living. All the things that are wrong with this culture, and all the things we could, and should be doing to live happy, healthy, fulfilled lives!
Sadly, I can't figure out how to turn either of those things (I consider them to be pretty interconnected) into a way I could actually support myself, and future family, while living in this culture.
I feel slightly bad for unloading this on my blog, but I've been snapping at my mom all morning, and ever since Flora died I've just had no patience for anything or anyone, really, so I just wanted to figure out some of what was bothering me, some of the stuff that's been on my mind. I guess what it really is, is that I feel like time is slipping past. Summer is nearly over, seemingly almost before it truly began, another year is coming up, and I know I'm not doing as much as I could. As much as I want to. And the weight of disapproval I feel from almost everyone around me feels incredibly heavy. I don't know what to do for most things. I have a few half figured out ideas of some stuff I may want to do. I'm afraid of both doing something, and doing nothing. Blarrgh.