You know what's been missing from this blog recently? Anything at all personal, or actually about my life in the here and now.
Well, that's not entirely accurate. Everything I write is personal really, in the sense it's important to me and draws heavily on my personal experiences and background. But often, writing all the posts about unschooling that I do, as much as they draw on my life, I feel like there's a distance between where I am in my life and what's happening as I write the post, and the post itself.
So I decided that today felt like a good time to write about what's been happening in my life, how I've been doing, and all that jazz. Considering it's been a long time since I wrote about my life at all, I feel like there's a lot of catching up to do.
Since the fall, when I did a ton of stuff, and then just came home to cold weather and not much of a local community, I haven't exactly felt at my best. Well, okay, I'm trying to be honest here: I've been downright depressed, on and off. No, not clinical depression, but the kind where you're miserable, have no motivation to do anything, feel drained by being constantly cold (I don't do well in cold weather), and find being around people too frustrating to bother doing. Top that off with some seriously self-hating feelings and stress caused by external events, and it's really not fun (I want to make it clear that I haven't been feeling constantly horrible since the fall. Just that I've been dealing with all this since the fall, to a greater or lesser extent depending on the time).
What external events, you ask? Well, a couple of them are other peoples business, or too private to share details publicly online, but suffice it to say there were days of hospital visits while my father was sick and in the hospital (he's better now). Worrying about and trying to help a friend, and really wonderful person, whose life has been going to hell. And a repeat of the whole thing I went through when turning both 18 and 19 (birthdays tend to be a little rough for me), now that I'm rapidly approaching my 20th Birthday (it's on March 16th). I feel like THIS, now, as I leave my teen years, is when people are going to expect me to "be an adult" even more than ever. I start obsessing about the fact I'm not earning money right now, and start thinking that everyone must secretly think I'm a failure because of it, even if they pretend not to (yes, I realize this is neither rational nor true). Birthdays are rough. Or, at least, the time leading up to them is. Because this year, I've decided to do something different.
This year, for my 20th birthday, I'm renting a house, apartment, or similar place for a week, and hosting a gathering! Some really great friends are coming, and I'm SO looking forward to it (though there's definitely still stress attached to organizing it... What if hardly anyone ends up being able to come? What if people don't enjoy it? And even worse, what if I don't find a good place to rent? Yes, that's right, I haven't found a good place yet [if you have ideas/a place you know of, please contact me!]). I can get sucked into thinking about things in a negative way really, really easily.
I'm also writing an unschooling zine! Like, not an ezine, but an actual, hold in your hands zine, that I'm going to be selling once it's finished at the anarchist bookfair (as well as by order, of course. It'll be available to all you lovely blog readers who are interested!). I started it a couple months ago, and have hardly written any more for it since, but I plan on changing that now that I have a deadline (the bookfair!). It'll cover all the basics, in a series of short chapters, so it'll really be like a short book on unschooling... This project is pretty exciting to me!
Which leads me to another thing. Right now, the only place I write is in my (often dark and cold) bedroom, on my desktop computer. That's it. I don't have a laptop, and the only time I can ever bring myself to write with pen and paper is when I'm writing poems. Otherwise, I get way too frustrated at the slowness and hand-cramping, PLUS I'd have to then transcribe it onto the computer. *Shudders in horror* So I've been looking seriously into getting a laptop, and thus being able to write in the rest of the house, outside in the sunshine, in cafes, when I'm traveling...
Problem is, I have no money. Well, okay, I have a very small amount of money which is all going towards my big birthday bash next month (everyone who's coming is chipping in, but that still means I'm paying my portion). Some of you may remember me posting about wanting a laptop on my blog's Facebook page, and I was thrilled and so grateful to actually have a couple of people offer to give me their old laptops!! The kindness of people can be amazing. So I was going to get one from a local friend, only when she was getting it ready, it decided to crash. So, no laptop. And that has made me realize that if I get a really old used laptop from someone, I'm planning on doing lots of writing on it, and IT COULD CRASH AT ANY MOMENT thus destroying all my work. So I think I should maybe look at getting the lowest end/cheapest new or newly refurbished laptop I can find. Except I still don't have any money, which is a dilemma, but I've got a couple vague ideas in mind that may, possibly, be helpful...
So, is that enough rambling about my life for you? Aren't you glad I don't do this very often? ;-) But I do feel it's important every now and then to, I don't know, check in with readers, I suppose, so that those who are interested can see behind the (I try to have) well edited posts with real points, and into what's really happening in Idzie's life...