My 19th Birthday...

I'm sure everyone remembers how much I was fussing about turning 19...  How hard I was finding it, and how much I was dreading my birthday.

So, on the night of the 15th, the night before my birthday, I was rather surprised to find that, as I curled up in bed, the thought drifted through my head that tomorrow was my Birthday, and all I felt was a faint glow of happiness.

On my birthday, the 16th of March, I woke up to a truly glorious day!  Bright sunshine, and record breaking warm temperatures!  How could I not be cheerful?  I danced around the house with the sunlight streaming through the windows, and even when I woke my sister and we had a bit of a disagreement, it passed quickly and the day continued in it's joyous flow...  Our cat Henry was being cute and playful, so I just had to pull out my camera to take pictures, and then Emi curled up with him for a little while on my bed...

My mother came back with food for the full breakfast I'd requested, and even though it was past 1:00 by then, and she couldn't find every ingredient on my list, it worked out wonderfully.  I've found that when I let go of expectations of perfection, things often work out as well or better than I'd originally imagined!  So we had a lovely late meal of vegetarian sausage with fried onions, spiced potatoes, scrambled eggs, good baguette, and sushi.  My mother, sister, and I ate together in the light filled kitchen.  'Twas good. 

Once we didn't feel quite as stuffed, Emi and I headed out for a rambling walk.  There were birds singing, we saw a bluejay, and a bug of some sort flew over our heads.  We also saw (and heard) a flock of geese coming back for the Summer as they flew by.  The ground was even dry enough in a local park that we could sit comfortably under a couple of trees and just talk...  I was thrilled that I was perfectly comfortable wearing just a light sweater!  Really though, these words don't seem an accurate description of that sunny day.  How do you put down on a page or screen the cry of a mourning dove as it sits on the wire in front of our house?  Or the raggedy V of a flock of geese, the way their wings move?  Or the precise way the light and shadows fall under three evergreen trees in an empty park?  I wish I had pictures, to help, at least a bit, in showing the absolute beauty of the day, but my camera is so big and heavy, and I was feeling so light and unencumbered that I didn't want to drag it along. 

I'd originally hoped to have homemade pizza for supper, and we'd originally wanted to get out early to pick a cake, since in our family, it's a tradition to get everyone a cake from this amazing bakery, Premiere Moisson, on their birthdays.  Those cakes are not cheap, so we can't get them often, but everyone deserves one on their birthday!!  Now, we never got the homemade pizza made, and we hadn't gotten the cake yet by the time my father arrived home, so my father, sister and I headed out to pick up both a cake and a pizza.  We drove along, car windows open, laughing and talking.  It was still gorgeously sunny, despite the fact the sun was getting closer and closer to the horizon... 

At home we had supper, with much talking and laughing once again, and followed our supper with my birthday cake and a bottle of good dessert wine.  Yummy.

Of course, by the time we were done our leisurely meal, it was dark out, and I was longing to head outside again.  So Emi and I sat on the front steps, with a candle and a bit of sage to burn, and just soaked up the beauty of the nighttime...  Throughout the Summer, I spend a lot of time outside after dark.  It was such a joy that it was warm enough to do so on my birthday without freezing!!

We finally finished the day with playing some Kingdom Hearts (I should mention at this point that I NEVER play video games, usually, but that I decided, without any coercion, to play Kingdom Hearts with Emi, and that I've actually been enjoying it!), singing some songs from our favorite song book, talking for a bit in that stillness unique to past 1:00 at night, before finally going to sleep...

Despite all my stressing about turning 19, and I'm still not thrilled with the age, I had a good Birthday.

Peace,
Idzie

On Being "Childish"

Have you ever heard someone be accused of being "childish", or been accused of that yourself?  You probably have, because that's an extremely common insult.  It's used when you have political opinions that other people disagree with (anarchy, for instance, is incredibly childish!), it's used when you dare to defy authority and stand up for yourself (don't be childish!  Just do it!), it's used when someone expresses their emotions openly (it's childish of you to be angry/hurt/upset!). 

This is so insulting to so many people, on so many levels!

When people use that word, when they say "childish", what they mean is that anything a child comes up with, any thought, opinion, emotion, is absolutely worthless and discard-able.  To be a child is to have nothing of worth to show for yourself.  It's an expression of ageism at it's very worst!

So when someone tells me that I'm being childish, they're not only insulting children everywhere, they're also telling me that my opinions are worthless.  That they're short-sighted, uninformed, unimportant, and simply not worth paying any attention to.

I think that's one of the things that makes me the absolute angriest when someone says it to me.  And I've heard it WAY more often than I'd like!

I've heard that the most marginalized members of society are the young and the old, and I don't have much trouble believing that.  Ageism and disrespect are so very common, that I find it seriously discouraging sometimes.

Peace,
Idzie

Searching for the way...

Feeling, at the moment, stressed, angry, sad, lost, dissatisfied... Like I've got things half figured out, but I'm not quite sure how to proceed...

I know that in the long term I want to live in a way that works with the earth, not against it. I want to live in a supportive sustainable community, one that respects the rights and autonomy of each individual, as well as respecting the earth in a very real way, not a lonely house in the suburbs, where the primary concern is who's lawn is greener.

In the short term, I know I don't want to go to school full time. I also feel I need to find a way to support myself soon, because right now, I'm not earning any money, and I'm starting to feel guilty about living with my parents and not contributing financially. I also know that I will not work at a job that I feel is a negative thing for the earth or human community. All that is fairly straight forward. My problem now becomes, how the fuck am I supposed to do it??

When you follow the traditional path, it's all laid out neatly before you. A leads to B leads to C, in an orderly path from high school, to CEGEP, to University, to a job in your field of study. When you're not following a traditional route, however, it's much more complicated. You have to figure it out on your own. And I'm not sure if I'm being too picky, or not looking in the right places, or letting fear get in the way, or some mix of all three, but I'm really having trouble figuring things out.

Vegetarian cooking schools don't exist in Montreal or the surrounding area, and with the education fund thingy I have, they'll only pay if it's a registered institution (now there's something my parents are kicking themselves over), so taking any old vegetarian cooking course that simply looks interesting isn't an option. The only natural health school in Montreal focuses mainly on Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine, and homeopathy, none of which I have any interest in practicing, since I'm far from convinced of their efficacy (if you are, that's fine. I don't dismiss them out of hand, but to be able to practice a form of medicine, I feel you should have absolute confidence in it). I want to learn about herblore, herbal healing, and that's considerably harder.

To make matters even more complicated, neither vegetarian cooking nor herbal healing are even my primary passions. All they are, are things I'm quite interested in, and don't think I'd mind doing for a living.

My primary passion is learning. How people learn. Unschooling... My other main passion is finding out about tribal peoples, and figuring out how people *should* be living. All the things that are wrong with this culture, and all the things we could, and should be doing to live happy, healthy, fulfilled lives!

Sadly, I can't figure out how to turn either of those things (I consider them to be pretty interconnected) into a way I could actually support myself, and future family, while living in this culture.

I feel slightly bad for unloading this on my blog, but I've been snapping at my mom all morning, and ever since Flora died I've just had no patience for anything or anyone, really, so I just wanted to figure out some of what was bothering me, some of the stuff that's been on my mind. I guess what it really is, is that I feel like time is slipping past. Summer is nearly over, seemingly almost before it truly began, another year is coming up, and I know I'm not doing as much as I could. As much as I want to. And the weight of disapproval I feel from almost everyone around me feels incredibly heavy. I don't know what to do for most things. I have a few half figured out ideas of some stuff I may want to do. I'm afraid of both doing something, and doing nothing. Blarrgh.

Peace,
Idzie

Successful unschooler? Adult? What??

Lately, several people have referred to me as a "successful unschooler", or made similar comments of that type. Recently, someone in their mid-twenties commented that there were few people "our age" at the convention. What??

When I first got a comment about being a "successful unschooler", the first thing that came to mind was that I wasn't finished yet!! So what, I would have graduated from high school last year had I been schooled. That means nothing. I still live at home (I mean come on, I'm only nearly 18!), I don't have a job. The next thing that came to mind, following quickly on the heals of my first thoughts, was what constitutes success? Why was the first thing I thought of for success getting a job? I don't even believe that our wage system is right! So what IS success, and what is my personal success as an unschooler being judged on? I really don't know.

The other comment that really hit home was that about age. People "our age". I don't consider myself an adult yet, although legally, I will be incredibly soon. I know what he meant, in the sense that I am a young adult now, which I suppose does put me in the same category as someone in their twenties. However, it still feels weird. Here's another one. What makes you an adult? I've never been a fan of using purely age as a judge. I'm not a child the day before my 18th birthday, and an adult the next day. Things just don't work that way. I suppose the first thought that comes to mind is that moving out would be a good marker, but I have issues with that as well. What about the people who live with their parents into their thirties? I don't think that they're still children. And besides, in traditional communities, large extended families would often live together. I don't think where you live is an accurate judge at all. So maybe age is just another box that our society has made... Cutting everything into neat categories. Perhaps the only real judge, the only thing that makes someone an adult, is how they feel. Who they feel they are.

If that's the case, I have no clue what I am!

I certainly don't feel like an adult. But neither do I feel like a child. But really, isn't that what the teenage years are or? Transitioning from child to adult? But I don't really feel entirely like I'm in the same boat as many younger teens, either... I have many younger friends, and they're totally awesome, but I guess I feel a bit like I'm further on in that transition, closer to that magical age of Adulthood. Which makes sense, I suppose. Especially lately, now that I'm going through a bit of a period of baby lust, which freaks me out a bit considering I'm still 17!! That isn't an actual issue at all, seeing as I'm single, but in conversations lately on abortion, teen pregnancy, and similar matters, I've realized that at any point from now onwards I would not be upset to be pregnant, and that feels like a pretty big realization.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at at all in this post... I guess I'm just putting my thoughts out, seeing what they look like written down, and if I can glean any further meaning or answers from my tangled thoughts.

In some ways, I really feel like I'm in a big transition. In other ways, I feel like nothing is changing at all. I still need my mom, I don't want to move out. But things are changing. I'm just not sure how much...

Peace,
Idzie