Teens, Control, and the Nature of Love

Possibly the article I've received the most angry and condescending reactions to, of anything I've ever written, is my post on teenage rebellion (especially when it was posted, with heavy edits that I did not approve prior to posting, on the supposedly alternative parenting site Offbeat Mama).  And several months ago when that same article was published on Scarleteen, another comment (which we chose to delete because of it's condescending tone and the perspective it seemed to be coming from) got me thinking about the most common (and often very angry) criticism of the respectful parenting of teens: the idea of boundaries.

I feel like the way people talk about boundaries is the same way they talk about structure: as if both are these external things that are very important in creating "Disciplined," "Educated," and otherwise useful (aka "Productive") human beings. Things that the good and responsible adults (parents, teachers, etc.) are supposed to construct and enforce.

But, the same way that structure, when it comes to unschooling, is a mix of the natural rhythms found in the home and community and whatever the unschooler themselves chooses to consciously build in their life, I think boundaries are often similar. There are boundaries, both natural and constructed, in all aspects of life. I feel like everything from physical space limitations and physical abilities to laws, rules, and money could all be considered "boundaries" of a sort. Many of these boundaries should be challenged and pushed, in my opinion, but currently they all do exist, to some extent, for everyone.

Yet when I most often see and hear people talking about boundaries, it's very specifically the rules parents construct and enforce on their children. It's most often in the context of "I can really tell your parents never properly enforced any boundaries for you!" Once, on the aforementioned Offbeat Mama publishing of my rebellion article, someone even said that "Kids need, and deep down WANT, limits and boundaries," which is one of those things that, when writing about it, I need to first take a deep breath before I can go on to calmly discuss and dispute it, since my first instinct is just to say "fuck you," which isn't very helpful. But the incredible superiority and condescension contained in such statements takes my breath away, and brings home to me in a very profound way how terribly teenagers are looked at and treated in this culture.

Every pro-enforced-boundaries discussion comes back to the idea that teens are not full and complete human beings capable of making their own decisions and living their own lives. They're irresponsible, "unfinished," untrustworthy, and otherwise faulty.  I have very little patience for the condescension, rigid attemtps at control, and outright disgust and mockery that teens regularly have to deal with, because ultimately, all of this is sending some very harmful messages: there's something wrong with you. You're not good enough. Because of your age, you don't deserve to be treated well and fairly.

There are plenty of rationalizations made for the treatment teens receive, of course. From the scientific there's-something-wrong-with-their-brains (instead of celebrating the difference as just another stage of life), to "they secretly like being controlled", also known as control as a sign of love. There was recently a discussion on Facebook about teens and access to the internet, with much discussion by some parents in the thread about spying on their children (literally going into their email and Facebook accounts, and looking at their web history), and informing their children they were spying because they love them. Now, I can respect that those parents really do love their children, and that their actions are driven by fear which is driven by love, but I don't think these parents realize just how differently their teens most likely see things. What I posted on that thread was:

Snooping on a teen's internet activities is every bit as bad as reading their diary, as far as I'm concerned. Both are WRONG and a major violation of trust. It's horrifying for me to even think of the betrayal I would have felt had my parents hacked into any of my online accounts, checked history on my computer, or anything else. Good relationships and open communication are what's needed to help keep teens safe, NOT creepy things like reading their email (and Facebook messages, etc.)!

The idea that control shows love makes sense if you're used to there only being two options when it comes to parenting teens: pay lots of attention to your kids by placing lots of rules and restrictions on them, or ignore them entirely and neglect their needs. But once you realize that there are more options than that, you can see that control as love is far from the best way things can be. And in a very personal way, if control equaled teens feeling loved, and a lack of control equaled teens feeling unloved, I, and all my unschooling friends whose parents didn't/don't parent in a controlling and authoritarian way, should feel resentful and unloved. Which is very, very far from the case, as most of the unschoolers I know have really wonderful relationships with their parents. If you have a relationship that includes good communication, which is pretty essential for good relationships of any sort, then the love will be obvious. The idea that control equals love is really just a botched version of attention equals love, and parents can be and are attentive, caring, and loving without being controlling.

People seem to envision a state of utter chaos if teens are allowed freedom in the choices they make and the lives they lead, and while I find that an unlikely outcome to say the least, I do think there's some kernel of truth to the fear. Teens are more likely to be risk-takers. Teens are change-makers. And I imagine an entire population of trusted, respected, empowered teenagers participating actively in the communities around them would really shake things up. There's a lot of adults who really wouldn't like that! But I think it would do the world a great deal of good to embrace the strengths and unique viewpoint that teens bring to the table. Teenagers are important. And their voices and experiences need to be acknowledged as such.

What are or were your experiences, as a teen or as the parent of a teen, with discussions around "boundaries," control, privacy, and similar things? How did the way your parents parented effect you, and what things do you consider positive or negative about the decisions they made? Leave a comment and join the discussion!

Critiquing the Radical Unschooling Critique: Real Negatives or Gross Generalizations?

I came across a post a couple weeks back that I'm sure many readers will react quite strongly to. For once, it's not from some big mainstream media source dissing unschooling, but instead from a member of the unschooling community who left school in his teens, and has spoken at a couple of unschooling conferences. In it, the author discusses radical unschooling, and all the faults he sees in it. You can go read it over here before continuing, if you want.

Done reading (or not)? Okay, let me continue.

I want to start by saying that I appreciate Eli's honestly, and had many interesting discussions with him several years back when we both attended the same conference. To some extent, I agree with some of his points. To some (larger) extent, I disagree. But I'd like to take things bit by bit, and break down just what I like and dislike about his post.

"My parents made me do it, and I'm GLAD they did!"

I find it odd that the first and main example given is that of an always schooled individual, the moral of the anecdote seemingly being that it's often good when parents make there kids do things (or so it seems to me). But one story of someone schooled who was grateful to her parents for making a large decision for her, doesn't really make sense to me when discussing unschooling. There's such a different framework of living, and most often such a different style of parenting, between unschooling and regular schooling families, that it really does feel like the author is comparing apples to oranges (not that I like calling anyone fruits, but it seemed the most apt expression to use!). Yeah, okay, this person was happy with that, but how does that have any real impact on the topic at hand? Where's the story of a grown unschooler wishing their parent had made different choices, or being grateful for a time their parents had pushed them into something? I know there are at least a few cases of that, and that would present a far more compelling argument for increased parental control, to me (not that I'd ultimately necessarily agree: just that I'd find it made a stronger case).

And that mention of "bad crowds"... Well, that just doesn't sit right with me at all. I don't believe in bad crowds as they're usually defined and discussed, though I do believe in teens who are really struggling, and coping with their struggles as best they can. Sometimes a teen (or a person of any age, really) is in a group with people who treat them really badly. That's wrong, and no one should have to put up with that. But at the same time, I still wouldn't say the hypothetical group in question is bad, it's just unhealthy, and filled with people who would greatly benefit from being given safe spaces to spend time in, and supportive older people to spend time with. "Bad crowd" is too often just a vicious value judgement that makes it even harder to live as a teen in this culture.

Continuing with the story of the schooled individual whose parents saved her from "bad crowds," Eli says: "Maybe some radical unschoolers would acknowledge this case of parents sending their child to a school of their choosing as an exception where the radical unschooling approach was not the best thing. Of course, they might insist the parents should have taken her out of school altogether (and I might disagree because maybe she’d still run with the same crowd in town)." And here... Well, here I come to something that frustrates me a lot: when people decide that some decision made, no matter who made it, was the only course of action that could have resulted in good outcomes. When really, we don't know. You don't know. I don't know. I genuinely think I'd be in a worse place had I been to school. But I'm not actually certain, because how can I be? Maybe the woman in question is better off because of the decision her parents made. But maybe she would be even better off now if she'd worked through the troubles she was having herself. I can't help but think that, if the same situation had come up in a radical unschooling family, she would have ended up just as good in the end, only perhaps with a better sense of personal power. To say that this was the only way things could have worked out seems short-sighted at the very least.

The Importance of Environment

Eli brings up an interesting point when he discusses environment, saying "When unschoolers, radical or otherwise, talk about people’s natural motivation to learn and do what’s ultimately best for themselves, they often don’t acknowledge the power of our environment. What I’m motivated  to do is affected by what’s available, what’s needed, what others are doing, what’s considered 'cool', etc." I agree that perhaps how much we're all effected by the culture around us isn't recognized as much as it could be. I like Daniel Quinn's characterization of "the voice of Mother Culture," and that's generally what I'm thinking of when I say that unschooling isn't enough. And what I mean by that, is that unschooling alone will not come anywhere close to solving the tremendous amount of problems with our ways of living and relating to each other on this Earth. We need to question a lot more than just the education system. But, I think unschooling is a very good start, and I question whether increased parental control is really going to have a positive impact on how children and teens learn to deal with all the various pressures and situations they're faced with on a day-to-day basis. As I've said in discussion about TV watching (a very common example that radical unschoolers bring up, as is noted in Eli's post), parents being very involved with their kids--discussing the problematic things we encounter every day--is, I believe, far more productive than simply trying to keep their kids away from everything they believe is harmful, which is completely impossible if you're trying to take in as much of the world as you can, as many unschoolers seek to do. Similarly, while I believe that it's important for parents to be an active part of their teens' lives and the decisions they make, important for parents to act as guides and mentors, I'm not so sure that parents making choices they believe are "best" for their children, without their consent, is a good thing. Parents regularly, with their children's best interests genuinely at heart, make decisions I'm inclined to think are really bad!

That said, absolutes are rarely true, and I'm very sure that parents making choices against their kids wishes sometimes works out really well. Sometimes the kids in question end up very happy with whatever decision(s) were made. I'm also really not a fan of people deciding exactly the "right" way for everyone to relate to each other and interact as a family. How people best communicate and make decisions, what makes individuals and families happy and healthy, will differ from person to person and family to family. I strongly believe that the more respected and trusted people are (regardless of age), the more open and genuine the communication happening, and the more collective/cooperative the decisions made, the better everyone tends to end up feeling. But... Ultimately each situation is unique, and everyone just has to do their best in doing whatever they truly feel is best! Here it seems Eli and I agree, as he says "Personally, I think the ideal is truly happy, healthy people who know themselves, and do their best to share their gifts with the world."

What Makes Radical Unschoolers Different

Eli says that "Almost all parents who are not radical unschoolers think [unrestricted access to] TV, bedtimes, junk food, and video games is ridiculous. By concentrating on these things radical unschoolers can differentiate themselves from other parents. Every group needs their own way of identifying themselves." Which, well, feels like it's selling radical unschooling more than a little short. I've never felt like the most important things to radical unschoolers is unrestricted access to candy! I think why those are often used as examples is not just because all radical unschoolers agree about it, but because those things provide easy examples when articulating the ways in which approaching parenting with a radical unschooling philosophy play out in everyday life, by comparing the way they might usually be handled to the way an RU parent might handle things. And it still seems to me that when radical unschooling is discussed, the focus remains squarely on trusting and respecting children, not sugar or Wii.

Ultimately, Eli comes to the conclusion that what truly differentiates radical unschoolers is their "concentration on not forcing their children to do anything or impose any rules." And here, well, here I really disagree with him that rules are ever necessary. I don't believe in "rules" (neither do I believe in "laws," though that's a whole different story). Rules are absolutes, and don't leave any room for context, for figuring out how to handle each different situation in the best way. You can have no rules, yet still physically stop your child from hitting someone, or pulling on the cat's tail, or walking into traffic. Rules aren't necessary to parent well, and I believe they are at least as likely to cause more of the "bad behavior" in response to such an authoritarian approach, as they are to actually stop the behavior! I don't think rules help make people decent human beings, but I do think that acting with kindness, and helping your children (and partner(s), friends, neighbors) to act with kindness (including holding those around you accountable for their less than kind actions), helps create people who are kind. Rules aren't necessary.

  

Dealing with Conflict

I agree that radical unschoolers often put a lot of focus on conflict, namely on avoiding it by minimizing situations likely to cause conflict between parents and children. I also agree with Eli that conflict is unavoidable. Where I differ greatly, though, is in the level of conflict I think is okay. Fights over who didn't change the toilet paper, political opinions, and similar things are an inevitable and not very major (well, depending on the political opinions, I suppose!) aspect of living with others. But when Eli states that "Sometimes a parent will have to make a decision the child really doesn’t like and the child may be angry at her/him for a long time"? My initial, gut reaction is just no. When someone is angry at someone else for a long time, it almost always means that an important trust was betrayed. If anger lasts for a long time, it means something wrong was done. So while I don't think the damage is necessarily irreparable (though it may well be), I definitely don't think it's okay to cause that much anger and hurt.

Arguments for more tightly controlling children, and by children I mean people who have not yet reached their teens, hold more weight than those advocating controlling teens, to me. Not that I agree with traditional parenting of young kids AT ALL, but that arguments for more control seem to have some sense to them, at least. Children really aren't capable of a lot of things that older people are, though they're a lot more capable then most people give them credit for, and should be treated with no less humanity and respect than every human should be entitled to. But teens? Teens are remarkably capable people. Teens regularly raise children, run households, work as activists, and a million other important and difficult things. Teenagers, in my mind, are deserving of ALL the rights and respect accorded to adults. No one should be able to make important decisions in the life of a teen against their will, never mind whether parents want to or not.

This is not to say that teens are exactly the same as adults, or that they don't usually need more support and assistance than older people. Just that with the capability they have, teens should be the ones ultimately making the important decisions in their lives, because, well, it's their life. It's pretty simple.

Keep Away from the Muggles!

Some people, Eli says, have been turned off by the judgement and intolerance they've met in dealings with radical unschoolers. And actually, yeah, that's been exactly my experience, as well. Not personally, but friends and even family have been told they're not "really" unschooling, and many people have said to me they've felt extremely unwelcome in radical unschooling (and even sometimes plain 'ol unschooling) spaces, both online and in person. Often people who are new to unschooling ideas quickly find out that certain questions and concerns are not treated kindly when expressed (and I'm not talking about people who come into unschooling spaces and aggressively start interrogating everyone there, but people who respectfully and worriedly ask questions about this philosophy that really draws them, yet is frightening at the same time). That's why I try very hard, while still expressing difficult ideas as plainly and honestly as I can, to make sure I never tell others that they're doing it wrong. While I do believe there are things that are not really unschooling, I respect and am friends with people who are homeschoolers, relaxed homeschoolers, and regular schoolers. I think more freedom is always better, in any context or way, and if a parent whose kids are in school gains some inspiration for creating a home environment that's more respectful, or a teacher tries to bring as much inspiration from unschooling into their classroom as they can, or a homeschooler convinces their parents to let them pursue some of their own projects during "school time," then I'll feel I've succeeded in sharing unschooling ideas. Any positive changes people make in their lives are good, even if they don't end up unschooling.

"Radical Unschooling" in (mis)Practice

I know Eli's criticism's stem in large part from what he's witnessed at conferences. 'Cause here's the thing: if you've been to unschooling conferences, it's almost guaranteed you've seen at least one instance (and probably more than one) of kids behaving in disrespectful and unkind ways to those around them, while their parents do nothing. Sometimes it seems that radical unschooling, with ideals of giving children great freedom in all areas of life, is interpreted as everything your children do, ever, is okay because they're just "expressing their freedom." When, well, there are lots of things that aren't okay. How each family and individual will deal with and react to each situation will be different, among people who identify as homeschoolers and unschoolers and radical unschoolers and everyone else, and there isn't really one right way of reacting to any situation, though I definitely think it's fair to say that there are better and worse ways, and ignoring unkind behavior, no matter what the age of the individual, isn't a very good strategy. I understand that this is what Eli, and plenty of others, have witnessed, and for some it's turned them off of unschooling altogether, which is a real shame. The unschooling community as a whole is often really loathe to self-critique, which lets a lot of problems within the community go unchecked and unmentioned by many (though not by the plenty of people I've had really great conversations with about the issues we see). There are often issues that do need to be addressed, but here we get to perhaps my main problem with Eli's post: it generalizes. So hugely and blatantly.

Those who call themselves radical unschoolers, or whole-life learners, or otherwise extend freedom to their children beyond just the academics or what could be considered traditionally "educational," are a large enough group that if you generalize, you're going to be wrong. I know too many really awesome people, and great parents, to feel even remotely comfortable when someone equates radical unschooling, and all radical unschoolers, with what some like to call "unparenting." Criticize the problems, but don't decide that those problems are shared with every radical unschooler out there. And please don't decide that the obvious solution is more control! People can hold those around them, their kids and friends, accountable for their actions, work with them to improve situations and responses, and recognize that children need lots of extra help navigating the world they're in, without resorting to authoritarianism.

Eli says near the end of his post that "We need to go to the root of ourselves and the problems around us if we want to create real change." But as I see it, reevaluating the way we treat children and teens as a culture, and realizing that authoritarian control is and never will be a way to create positive change, never lead to the creation of a culture that is truly cooperative and respectful (to humans, non-humans, and the Earth), is deeply important. You can't teach people to be respectful by treating them without respect. You can't teach people they're capable of making good decisions by making the decisions that you think are best for them. And you can't teach people to trust in themselves by telling them with your actions that they're untrustworthy.

I rather think radical is a good word here: getting to the root of things by questioning the very foundation of hierarchy and authoritarianism that puts the youngest of us at the very bottom. Treating children as capable human beings deserving of respect, not "unfinished" beings that have to be shaped and controlled? Yeah, I think that's pretty radical.

Interviewing Kelly Hogaboom, Unschooling Parent and Writer

For my second ever podcast, I interviewed Kelly Hogaboom, a "lady, writer, mother, wife, sister, daughter, stitcher, and subscription-service black market restauranteur living in wet and green Hoquiam, Washington State, the United States."  She's also a blogger, unschooling/life learning parent, and all-round very cool person, as well as being someone with LOTS of interesting and eye-opening things to say (about unschooling, adultism, feminism, parenting, consensual living, and a variety of other subjects).  It was really great talking to her!  And you can listen to the conversation we had right here:

Listen to internet radio with idzie on Blog Talk Radio

Or by going here. (Notice that there's the option to "play in your default player."  I know that on my rather difficult computer, that's the only option that works properly!  Just wanted to let you know, in case your computer is difficult as well...)

Links to Kelly's sites and Twitter: kelly.hogaboom.org, underbellie.com, @kellyhogaboom, and @underbellie.

The interview with me and my mother that Kelly mentions: La Rééducation: An Unschooling Interview with a Mother and Daughter

Naomi Aldort on How Children Learn Manners

And I do believe that's all the links I can remember being mentioned!  However, it's quite likely I forgot some.  If you notice any ones mentioned in the podcast but missing here in this post, please let me know and I'll add them! 

This is a new project, and one I want to improve, so comments, questions, suggestions, are much appreciated!

Notes on Unschooling: From Our Talk at the AQED Symposium

A couple weeks ago, as I've previously mentioned, my family spoke at the AQED symposium.  I think a lot of this has been covered on my blog already, but I figured I'd share the notes for our introductory speech on unschooling!  Most of our time slot was devoted to answering questions, but this is what we started with.  Regular font is by me, italics are by my mother, Debbie.
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So, what is unschooling?

To use Life Learning Magazines definition, unschooling (also known as Life Learning) is personalized, non-coercive, active, interest-led learning from life. (back to my own words) Unschoolers don’t have a set curriculum, are not “taught” by their parents, and instead learn from the world by living in the world, learning on their own terms with parents acting as facilitators instead of teachers.

How We Came to Homeschooling, or The Very Early Years
I’m told that before my birth, my parents had never even heard of homeschooling, let alone unschooling. It was only when I was a toddler that my mother found out about homeschooling, and started getting interested in it as an option for our family. However, my father wasn’t as impressed with the idea, so when I reached the right age, I was shipped off to half day kindergarten. However, there were some problems: problems big enough to convince my father to try homeschooling, so just halfway through my very first year of school, my parents pulled me out, and that remains my only experience with formal, institutionalized education. My sister, Emilie, who’s a couple years younger than me, has never been to school.

From Homeschooling to Unschooling

We started out as eclectic homeschoolers. My mother bought a few different programs & books from different companies, and encouraged both my sister and I to use them. But even in those early days, she was pretty relaxed, and when we didn’t want to do something, when it wasn’t working for us, it was generally fine with her if we stopped doing it. The only thing that was ever really an issue was math, because for a while, my mother still felt that math had to be “taught”. I think we became true unschoolers when we realized that there really were no “exceptions” to the concept: through simply living, following your passions and interests and curiosity, you really can (and do) learn all that you need to know, including math.

Like homeschooling, unschooling is not one single method, it is a continuum.

Academic Unschooling:

At the end of the spectrum nearest to eclectic homeschooling, is academic unschooling. Academic unschooling is allowing/encouraging your children to be responsible for their own education. It means that you don’t give them a curriculum to follow, but trust that they will learn what they need to by their regular daily activities and choices.

Radical Unschooling:

Radical unschooling is at the other end of the unschooling continuum. Radical unschoolers trust their children to make their own choices in everything that they do. They let their children decide when to go to bed, what to eat, and what to do with their time, or in other words, how they will live and learn. Radical unschooling is really a lifestyle. You trust that your children are capable of making choices for themselves.

Not "Unparenting"

Radical unschooling does not mean unparenting.

You are still there for your children.

When your children are young, you are the main source of new information and experiences.
You are the one to introduce new topics and information.
You are the one to bring them to new places.
You’re there to marvel over the wonderful things they discover.
You’re there to share the wonderful things you discover.
You’re there to share your interests and hobbies, and to be fascinated by theirs.
You set an example by your behaviour, of how people should behave.
Your manners teach your children about good manners.
Your love shows them what it is like to be loved.
They learn how to treat their friends and family by seeing how you treat yours.
You’re there to take them home when they are in situations that they can’t handle.
You’re there to cheer them on when they handle difficult situations well.
You’re there when they need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to about why something happened the way it did (whether it is you or them doing the figuring)
You’re there to listen when they need someone to talk to. Someone who can just listen if that is what they need, or give advice or sympathy if that is what they want.

As your children get older, you are still there to tell them of the fascinating things you discover, and to hear what they are fascinated by. 
You’re there to marvel over the new things that they discover.
You’re there to drive them places until they get their own license.
You’re there for talks about boys and girls and romance.
You’re there to give opinions on drinking and driving, and drugs and teen suicide, and other things that are important to teens.
You’re there to support them when they make decisions they regret, without saying “I told you so”
You’re still there to help them find info that they can’t find themselves.
To encourage their dreams.
To sympathize with their disappointments.

You are still a parent, you are just not a controlling parent. You trust that they will be able to control themselves.

Trust:

For all of this you must have trust in your children, and they must have trust in you. For unschooling of any kind to work, you need to have trust.

- You have to trust that your children are capable people.
- You have to trust that they will want and be able to learn.
- You have to trust that your children are capable of making good choices.
- You have to be willing to listen without judging.
- Your children have to trust that you will not ridicule their choices.
- Trust that you will listen and advise when advice is wanted, but that you won’t insist that the child follow that advice.
- Your child has to feel that you trust her to choose well

There are also many unschoolers who do not believe that academic unschooling is possible. They say that if you trust your children to learn “academic” things, you should trust them in all things. Also, since everyone learns by all their activities, control of food, bedtime, etc is also life learning, and by limiting control of this you limit what your children will learn.

This trust does not include their other life choices. In other words, if you are academically unschooling, you still make the choices, or at least must approve the choices, for bedtime, food, clothes, etc. Anything that does not involve school recognized learning. Sometimes, but not always, academic unschooling leads to radical unschooling as parents see how well their children choose.

Post Secondary…Or Not.

One of the most common questions I get as an unschooler is “can you get into college or university?”. Another big one is “so what are you doing now?” since I’m one of these mythical grown unschoolers, and people are always really interested in hearing my answer to that.

Firstly, unschoolers can definitely get into university. Unschooling is considered by universities to be under the wider banner of homeschooling, and as I think everyone here probably already knows, most universities have a special protocol set up for homeschoolers at this point, and some universities are even specifically seeking out homeschoolers, including unschoolers. Last time I heard, homeschoolers still aren’t able to easily get into CEGEP, if at all, though I’m sure the workshop on legalities of homeschooling in Quebec would have more to say on that subject.

However, I kind of object to this idea that’s so prevalent in our culture that you MUST go on to “higher education” to be “successful”. There are so many different paths out there, and only a few of them require a university degree above all else. The things I’m most interested in, and the things I think I might like to do as jobs in the future, include writing and editing, being a vegetarian cook or caterer, teaching primitive skills, and being an herbalist, or natural medicine consultant. None of these things require your typical university degree. In that vein, I’d like to share the words of of an unschooling mother, Ren Allen:

"I hope my children are not prepared for college at all. I hope they're
not prepared to hand over years and years of their lives for a thin
sliver of hope at a job they'll despise. I hope they're not prepared to
go into debt for that which does not feed their spirit, bring them joy
and ignite their passion for learning. I hope they can't do mindless
recitation of facts that mean nothing to them. I hope they're not
prepared for anything less than exactly what they love.”

As for what I’m doing now, I often have trouble answering this question, because I feel like what people really mean when they ask this is are you in school, or are you working fulltime, because those are usually the two options people think you should be doing if you’re 18 or older. And I’m 19, by the way. But what I’m doing is organizing local unschooling meetings, organizing, along with my mother, the first ever Summer Montreal Unschoolers Gathering, an event going on this summer that’s really exciting. I’m putting together the second issue of a zine I publish, called DIY Life Zine. I’m writing lots, blogging lots. I’ve been asked to speak at an unschooling conference in the fall. I’m really putting effort into finding/building local community, because in recent years I’ve found a lovely North America wide community, but I still kind of feel a lack of community here. I’m still learning and growing as much as I ever was when I was younger, and still trying to figure a lot of stuff out. But, I feel like I’m on the right path, and that things are going to work out well. I hope I’m right!
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Thank you for reading!

Peace,
Idzie

Unschooling and Access to Media

Yesterday, I asked, in a YouTube video, for people to ask me questions about unschooling.  And I got lots of interesting questions!  I tried to do a video on this one, but I was having a lot of trouble getting my opinions on this subject across in that format.  So, I decided to answer it in a blog post instead!  The question is in italics, my answer in regular font.

Let's say children are like seeds. In order to grow into good people, they don't need to be *forced* to grow, because they do that naturally. But that said, a seed must be planted in fertile soil, in the right climate, and must be watered, etc. What if some kinds of media today threaten the minds of the young- for example, television which provides immediate satisfaction but gives no decent returns in the long run may be more compelling than a book.

Firstly, I think you’re making a huge jump in saying that television gives “no decent returns in the long run”, and automatically assuming that a book has more value than a TV show!  I totally disagree with that!  Also, what’s wrong with instant satisfaction?  A life well lived is one made up of many happy moments: if watching TV gives you joy, I don’t really see how it’s in anyway unworthy of your time.  I’m an avid reader, and have been for many years.  Books have enriched my life in many ways!  But, so has TV.  When I was young, I watched tons of science shows and history shows.  Tons of “educational” shows on a variety of topics.  I also just watched some fictional shows.  I was never a particularly big TV watcher, but it was never forbidden to me, and I enjoyed what I did watch.  I also learned a ton!      

My opinion is that if kids have less manufactured entertainment stimuli they are forced to use their imagination to invent their own games, stories, etc. But because of the exponential growth of media, it is getting harder and harder to give children a world which does not numb their minds and imagination.

Again, I totally disagree.  Storytelling fuels imagination, and at their hearts, ALL types of fiction, be it novels, comic books, TV shows, movies, or oral storytelling, is just that: storytelling.  You find similar elements in all of them, and stories, no matter the medium they’re told in, can bring great joy, fuel imagination, cause you to question deeply held beliefs, ask profound questions…  Storytelling is an amazing art, and I find it rather sad when people start passing judgments on what types of storytelling are “good” or “bad”.

I also want to give some real life examples of this.  Far from squelching my very creative sister’s imagination (she currently writes tons of fiction), my sister would play pretend all the time based on various favourite movie characters.  She would also, as a young child, spend hours alone in her room just creating huge complex stories and worlds.  Soon, that imagination was used to start writing fiction.  She’s currently working on her first novel!  And she even plays video games, supposedly the most mind numbing things out there, and has played them for years. ;-) 

And yet- this brings up two competing ideas about freedom: should we free the child in the immediate moment, by imposing no limits on how they spend their time; or can we control their environment so that they are more likely to build their imaginations and judgements?

I’m sure you’ve gathered my opinion on this by now.  I do recognize that some (okay, a lot) of stuff on TV has messages that really aren’t so great (as do tons of books out there, I might add).  But I’m not advocating casting your kids loose and ignoring them while they do nothing but watch TV.  When you have a good, attentive relationship with your kids, one where you discuss what they’re seeing, have good dialogue, you’re exposing them to the world around you, with all of it’s negative and positive “influences”, and doing so while remaining a loving, supportive, and knowledgeable companion.  I don’t think that sheltering your kid does anything but make things more difficult for them later on. 

I also think that any time you make something forbidden to your child, you’ve just made it the most interesting thing out there.  Kids are curious, and if they’re denied access to something, chances are they’ll both really want to get access to it, and quite likely resort to lying and going behind their parents backs to do so.  Really, I don’t blame them!  I’ve come to this conclusion from my own experiences growing up, which were that the more controlled a child was, the more likely they where to frequently lie to their parents.  It was the only way they could have freedom.

I also want to add that even now, I find TV very “educational”.  I find advertising fascinating, I find the underlying assumptions and worldviews in mainstream shows fascinating, and watching TV sometimes helps me to remember how most of the world thinks (my sister regularly tells me I’ve forgotten what “normal” is)!

So that’s my answer to that question.  I hope I’ve given some insight into it!

Peace,

Idzie

A few thoughts about unschooling

I was thinking about how to describe unschooling... Now there are plenty of descriptions you can use, all pretty accurate, but mainly I was thinking about how you differentiate unschooling from, say, eclectic or relaxed homeschooling. Many eclectic homeschoolers call themselves unschoolers, and I was trying to figure out why that bothers me, and why I think a distinction between eclectic homeschooling and unschooling should be made. Basically, it comes down to this: unschooling is letting go of control over your child's education. Eclectic homeschooling, however, is letting go of some control. Certain bits of control. It's saying I trust you to learn R and X subjects, but I DON'T trust you to learn Y and Z subjects. That seems to me to be sending mixed messages. Either you trust your children to know what's best for themselves, or you don't. This in between ground, though certainly better than school-at-home, still seems to me to be lacking that important trust and respect.

Taking it further, radical unschooling is letting go of control over your child's life. I want to make it very clear that when I say "letting go of control", either referring to a child's education or their entire life, I do not mean letting go of your child, in the sense of becoming an absent parent. Unschooling is becoming more involved in your childs life, not less! Many people seem to equate control with love, for some bizarre reason, and then think that if parents are not controling their children, they're just being "lazy" and not showing love for their children. However, without control, you can still help your children. Support them. Love them. Control, in my mind, makes it harder to help, support, and love your children, not easier. In adult romantic relationships, control is not a good sign. Control, of what you eat and wear and do, of who you see, is considered, rightly so, abuse in such situations. So why is it considered acceptable treatment for children?

Some people also think that unschooling can be dangerous. If you're letting your child "do whatever they want", they could cause harm to themselves or those around them. And this brings me to the point that unschooling, and radical unschooling specifically, is treating children with the same respect as you would a person of any other age. If my best friend tried to walk in front of a car, I would physically stop him. The same applies to a child. If a toddler is crawling along on the ground eating cigarette buts, it's not okay to let them! Unschooling means not making arbitrary rules. It doesn't mean letting someone do something that will likely cause harm to themselves or others.

I think some of these thoughts could certainly be worked out more, elaborated on, etc., and I'm certainly not the first to address these issues, but since I've found myself in the place of explaining unschooling to people lately, I've been thinking a lot about how to address various points... How to put things in a convincing way that makes sense to people. So I'm just working things out here... :-)

Peace,
Idzie

So true

"Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal."


Peace,
Idzie
P.S. This is a new record for shortest blog post! :-P

Happy 1st Birthday to this blog!

On July 6th, exactly one year ago, I wrote the very first post on this blog. So, to tie in with Blogger's challenge to tell them how blogging has changed your life in one way or another, that's just what I'm going to do!

When I first started this blog, it was going to be a chronicle of my unschooling life, showing, daily, how I was learning as an unschooler. This was as much to prove to myself that I was actually learning as it was to show anyone else what unschooling looked like! No one, except for my mom, even read it. And it was started at a time in my life when I was really uncertain. That Winter and Spring before the beginning of this blog was really tough for me. I was frequently depressed, and in the Spring I lost a very close friendship that had meant a lot to me. Added onto that was the fact my father felt I wasn't learning anything at all (my mother was pretty sure I was learning, but was plagued nonetheless by doubts and worries, as is everyone at times), and I really wasn't so sure I was learning, either. I mean, unschooling is pretty "out there". Learning in freedom, learning what you want and need, when you want and need it, learning through life. For some reason, most people find the idea unthinkable. So I was very unsure, very insecure, but determined to prove to myself, and the world, that unschooling can, and does, work in practice, and that I really wasn't going to fail at life if I didn't go to school.

Of course, seeing as unschooling really is learning, and as I read the Teenage Liberation Handbook, mentioning that frequently in my early blog posts, I started to relax about unschooling a bit, and start realizing that by scrutinizing each day for whatever learning was gleaned from it, I was kind of missing the point. So the posts stopped coming every single day, and started focusing less on the details of each day, and more on my thoughts and feelings.

Also, in my earlier writings, I was just starting to research and learn about anarcho-primitivism. It was a fascinating journey for me, learning, thinking, discovering. I had always been semi-interested in, but disgusted by, politics, and no political party ever really felt right to me. But as I learned about anarcho-rimitivism, as I read a ton online, and a bit later read a ton by Derrick Jensen, it all just felt right to me. Scary, as it was the most radical philosophy I'd ever discovered, but right on a fundamental level. Like deep down, I'd already known and believed all of it, I'd just needed someone to point it out to me, to point me in the right direction. And the rest is history. As I thought, discussed, and wrote on this blog, my opinions moved from strong interest and curiosity, to tentative agreement, to absolute agreement. I had found my own worldview, the educational philosophy I knew was right, and even the vague direction I wanted to take in my life. Through it all, I blogged. I worked things out in writing, expressed my thoughts, my insecurities, my opinions, my beliefs. And gradually, I also developed a readership.

At the start of my blog, no one really read it. But as I continued writing, a few people started following this blog, and as soon as I knew there were actually people reading it, I had a real incentive to keep writing! So I did, and as my opinions solidified and my writing grew stronger, more people started following, until now, there are nearly 50 people officially following this blog, with more, although I have no clue how many more, reading regularly, or following through a program that doesn't show up in my little followers box! And really, the value of all you people who visit my little corner of the internet can not be overrated. If, as I tentatively started to write about ever more radical and unknown opinions people had reacted negatively, I'm not sure I would have continued. But having the support of people online who actually agreed with what I had to say was wonderful! Knowing that, even if everyone I talked to in person, aside from my mom and sister, thought I was insane, at least there were people in other places who felt the same way I did, saw things from the same angle, or at the very least supported my right to hold those opinions. That made, and makes, such a difference to me.
This past year has been one of great growth and change for me, and this blog has been there every step of the way, reflecting what's been going on in my head and in my life. It still seems slightly strange to me that people actually want to read what I write, and that many unschooling parents are more likely to say to my mom "Oh, you're Idzie's mom!" than for things to be the other way around! :-P

I'm still growing and changing, as humans constantly do, and still feeling insecurities and worries. Everyone lately seems to be either very impressed with me, or very unimpressed (seeing as I'm neither in school nor working, and to many people those both assign value to a person). I'm not sure which I struggle with more! I feel my life isn't very impressive. I want to be able to tell people that I'm a member of a permaculture co-op that teaches people how to grow their own food, or that I'm working with a center that helps teenagers liberate themselves from school, or something similarly impressive. My life is a continuous process, and I want things to change in certain ways, but am not quite sure how to do so, and even more then that, I'm afraid to do so! But as I continue to change, this blog will continue to reflect those changes. It's therapy for me, and support at times, simply writing things down and then letting my words loose in the World Wide Web for all to read...

So to sum up this very long post, I simply want to say Happy Birthday, I'm Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write.! And thank you so much to everyone who has read, does read, or will soon start reading my blog. I'm sorry if I sound soppy in this post, but I really do mean everything I say! I love you guys, and you make all the difference to me! :-)

Peace,
Idzie

Wrapping things up

Okay, for those of you who are curious how things turned out, debate wise, I'm posting this. For those who aren't, don't worry, this is the last post on the debate!

Earlier posts pertaining to this discussion, from newest to oldest, can be found:
Here
Here
And here

I'll now link to the other response videos that I did not post before, and simply told you to check out Hunter's channel if you were interested. I'm linking to them now, instead of just posting the video's here, since I commented on them directly. I didn't address every point, since I found things were taking too much time, but I responded to the points I felt strongest about.

Response part 2

Response part 3

He then both sent me a message, and made a final response video:



The message he sent me (he reads in in the video, but I'll post it anyway):

I finally got around to reading this whole thing and I've reached a conclusion.

I will NEVER agree with you and I will NEVER sympathize with you. You believe in the structure of a society which I know in my very nature as being integral to the survival of the human race. Which I believe has elevated our level of conscious. Structure of one sort or another is in my opinion integral, I need to know more I need to do more and with society as a catalyst I do not believe that can occur.

Don't bother arguing with that, I was just stating my opinion as you stated yours.

So in our views of life and society I believe we are polar opposites, however I will say I believe we can find common ground under several fronts.

We both respect the nature of the individual and believe that there are many forms of learning and teaching as well as many differing ways of living life.

We both believe the world is one without absolutes the is no RIGHT and there is no WRONG, there is only grey.

We are both humans and we are both sharing in an experience we like to call life, while we may disagree to no end we are still human and as fellow members of a race I respect you.

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion with me and allowing me to, not understand (I don't think I ever will) your side of the argument, but to gain a level of respect toward the dedication and level of belief you harbor for it.

Sincerely, Your Fellow Human Being

Hunter.

The considerably less eloquent message that I sent in response:

Yeah, I hesitated before deciding to comment on your videos at all, but I have a hard time reading/seeing things I disagree with and NOT stating my opinion on the matter! I finally only picked the points that I felt strongest about, and addressed those.

I agree entirely that we will never agree. Just as you *know* in your being that this structure is "right", I *know* in my very being that this structure is the worst thing that could happen to our species and all life on earth, and is fundamentally "wrong" in every way. I don't really see room for agreement there on either side! Although, of course, we have found a bit of common ground on a few points, which I think is a good thing. :-)

I agree that there are many ways of learning.

Certainly. The world thinks too much in black and white... I've certainly been guilty of doing so, as I'm sure you have been as well, on occasion, but I try to remember that there are many shades of grey, and that even if something seems completely ethically wrong to me, by another person's ethics it probably isn't.

I do respect you. We managed to have a civil debate on something that we both feel very passionately about, which I think is quite an accomplishment! And even though, yes, I will never agree with your opinions, I think I understand them, at least to a certain extant. Thank you, as well, for sharing in this discussion!

Peace,
Idzie

I hope you found this whole exchange worth following!

Peace,
Idzie

Continuing debate...

My first video, that started the whole thing, is here.

The post about the first part of our discussion, along with the four videos we made going back and forth between our opinions is here.

Annnd, he made several more response videos, the first of which I responded to in written format. We've both agreed to end the back and forth videos things, because it was taking A LOT OF TIME (I believe the current amount of video time, including my original video, is around 60 minutes... Yikes!). I'm not sure whether the discussion will continue in written form, so for now I'll simply post his one video that I responded to, and just give you a link to his channel if you with to see his other videos.



Hunter's channel

My response:

"Yup, I know about percentage of brain use (I think you might be a bit low (I thought it was around 10%) but other than that, yeah). I agree, your brain can be tricked. But, and this s important WE AS HUMANS HAVE NOTHING BUT OUR BRAINS TO RELY ON FOR INFORMATION. Yup, I have a strong interest in education, and I'm aware of the main learning styles as well. Here's what you're missing: people, if let too, will learn what style suits them best. Not because they've done research, but because they are living and learning. You don't need to know the names for different learning styles to know what you enjoy doing most, and what things you retain the most information from.

Yup, I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on that point, because nothing will convince me that people are not born with an innate desire to learn. And, if you do your research, youll see that that is true. We, as a species, would die out if we did not learn. Learning is innate, absolutely and completely.

Okay, what you're saying is "way back in history". What I'm saying, is pre-history, as in pre-civilization, as in tribal peoples. And you've just hit one of my biggest pet peeves. "Didn't have the desire to be anything more than they were"?? What does that mean? They were human. Were they supposed to desire to be more than human? Different than human? What our culture does is say that we are the pinnacle of existence. We, in this culture, in this day and age, are what everything was moving towards. From the first bit of slime that crawled out of the ocean, everything, all of creation, was simply to produce Us, modern civilized humans. You could call it Manifest Destiny, I suppose, as so many high ranking murderers have in the past. And look at us! The single species that regards our lives, human lives, to be above all else, that have destroyed vast parts of the world, made whole places uninhabitable. Look at us. What a great job we've done, as we sit waiting for it all to come tumbling down around our ears. And that's not even to mention how god damned HAPPY we all are. Monumental rates of depression, high suicide rates, drug addiction, messed up families wherever you turn. And that's not to mention how it's only a tiny percentage of the overall human population that is NOT living in poverty, dying young from disease and famine and drought and war. Yet you have the guts to say that the people who came before, and still survive unharmed in a couple of tiny pockets, the rest having been annihilated, shut away on reserves, or assimilated, and you say that they never tried to be more than what they were. They stopped when they "reached a certain plateau of happiness". What the fuck is wrong with being happy, and deciding to stay like that, happy, instead of destroying the environment surrounding you, the environment that sustains you, for some imaginary future world, future gain, future I have no fucking clue what? Really, none of us in this culture have ANY right to look down upon the people in our species who knew, and know, how to live in equilibrium with the world.

You have a strange view of happiness, although I get what you're saying, but you're mistaken about tribal peoples, once again. As you may have noticed, that's one of my main passions. From anthropological research, tribal peoples had the most egalitarian societies of any culture in our species' history. They had the most leisure time of any culture, EVER, spending only about 5 hours of "work" a day (the exact time for different tribes and different parts of the world vary, and anthropologists argue over what constitutes "work", but everyone seems to agree that it was somewhere between 3 and 7 hours a day). The rest was complete leisure time, spent socializing, playing games, and similar things. They lived (and live) in small bands/tribes, so it's a real community, and a real support network. Also, anthropologists studying the San !Kung people of the Sahara desert found that they're happier on a whole than civilized folk, regularly laughing with abandon, joking around, smiling. Their children are not expected to do any work until they're in their late teens or early twenties. People over fifty are not expected to work, either, and in one of the harshest climates in the world, excluding infant mortality, they can be expected to live, on average, to nearly 70 years of age. Wow, that was a major rant. Sorry about that! Like I said, its a subject close to my heart lol.

Why should people have anything other than happiness? Honestly, life is short. I don't see any point to life BUT happiness! Why go further than you want to go? I honestly don't understand that at all. If you're happy, and love life, that's all anyone could ask for. If you're not happy, then you make changes in your life until you are. People should be pushed to "do better"? Depends on your definition of better. It sounds to me like you feel that you need to prove something to the world, and not simply that you want to be happy in life. So every time you're happy, you have to leave that happy place? And what's contributing to society, in your books? Most people, and I do mean most, want to do good. Doing good things (I'm defining good as things that preserve or enhance quality of life for either human or other animals, or increases the happiness/health/wellbeing of others) makes people happy. Helping fellow humans or fellow creatures makes people happy. Just being generally good makes most people happy! I mean, I look at what I want to do in life. I want to learn a ton about herbal healing, natural health and wellness, and be able to help people learn how to take care of themselves. I want to be a strong advocate of unschooling, and help and support families and students who decide to leave the school system. I also want to be a part of a green community, to held build truly sustainable communities. All of these things are deep passions of mine, things that I see as being helpful to others, while also being things I truly care about and enjoy doing.

Welfare works differently here. As does the whole health care system (public health care). And, do you think its right that, where you live, the government controls people to such an extent? I certainly don't."

I originally sent this to Hunter unproofread, so I fixed it up a bit here for clarity and reading pleasure.

Peace,
Idzie

Unschooling and freedom debate

Someone responded with multiple comments, and two response videos, to my last YouTube video. If you're interested in seeing the whole, long, discussion, see below!

Hunter part 1


Hnter part 2


My response part 1


My response part 2


The extra points I wanted to add, but forgot to in the video, and then couldn't add to the description box because it was too long!

"1. "The choices you make now will affect you for the rest of your life"
Well, as human beings, as ever growing and changing creatures, EVERYTHING we do affects us, changes us. That's the process of living. However, you're entirely wrong if you think you can't get into university just as easily later in life, or learn things you need to in the future, when you actually need to know them. I, personally, never plan on going full time to university. I don't like the institutionalized classroom setting, and the thought of spending four+ years of my life in such a setting makes me shudder. Also, the life's work I wish to do does not require a university education. And honestly, for many, many, jobs people may wish to work at, they don't need that piece of paper. For some, yes, it's necessary. You wish to become a doctor, so you need university. I understand that. However, there's a huge amount of people now who are graduating college ad university with honors, and yet are struggling to find a job in their chosen profession, struggling to make ends meet. A university degree does not IN ANY WAY guarantee a job, let alone a job you like. With all that money I would have spent on university, I could instead learn far more about life, get far more education that actually helps me in the real world, by traveling the world. Or, without even spending all that money at all, I could apprentice instead, or take specific classes that interest me, or start my own business, or one of a myriad of other options. ALSO, you seem to think the SAT's are the only way to get into university, which isn't true either. Most (and I do mean most) colleges and universities (and not just your often looked down upon "community colleges", really most colleges and universities), will accept portfolio assessments, or offer to conduct their own tests for a small fee. I know of this happening both in the US and Canada, and I even know from personal experience having contacted a university I once considered attending.

2. Just to add to your whole "No one is capable of decision making until 25" thing, tell me, if that's so impossible, how people under 25 travel the world on their own, live on their own, raise children, starts businesses, work, make great art, start their own communities, and the million other things that young people do! Pretty impressive for people incapable of making decisions, eh?

3. In terms of parents liability, I think we can assume that most parents would request that their children or teens pay for whatever they did. By saying this, I'm working on the assumption that in virtually all cases the offense would be relatively minor (i.e. marijuana possession). Yes, the parents are ultimately responsible. However, I've heard of a hell of a lot of cases of traditionally schooled, traditionally parented kids getting into serious shit, and all I've ever heard of unschoolers getting in trouble for is very minor.

4. I love organic food as well! My family, especially my mother and I, are working at finding good places for buying reasonably priced organic foods (there are actually co-op type places that work to sell organic food at prices the non-wealthy can actually afford!). It's hard to do, but most likely possibly in many places if you do enough searching and are careful not to let food go to waste. But yes, it's still a fairly expensive and difficult task. I highly suggest that you dig around in the food related section of this unschooling site: http://sandradodd.com/food, where you'll find lots of first person accounts. Perhaps then you can actually believe me when I say not controlling food is better!

5. I see in my video I misunderstood, and responded as if you'd said that high school kids DO "fuck like bunnies", when instead what you said was that they WOULD fuck like bunnies were they allowed co-ed sleepovers. I have a couple of points to add here. Firstly, what I said in the video still stands. Kids don't need co-ed sleepovers to have sex, and if you look at the statistics, they'll back me up on this one. Secondly, I've certainly heard of same sex sleepovers where there is fucking involved. People still have way too heterosexual a view of the world!

6. I said in my video that one of my main points is that people should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm others, and what I ACTUALLY say in my original video is that everyone has a right to do, or not do, whatever they want with their bodies unless doing so infringes on another person's right to do, or not do, whatever they want with their own bodies. I consider driving under the influence to be infringing on other peoples rights to bodily safety. I also consider smoking around other people to be infringing on their right to clean air! Therefor, what I said originally still stands. Do what you want with your own body, don't fuck with other people's bodies. Wow, that sounded dirty. Didn't quite mean it that way. :-P

7. I already responded pretty thoroughly to your "wealthy" comment in my video. However, I forgot to point out that you, as a homeschooler, ALSO need to pay for any tests you take. What's the difference? Should I now believe, as so many ill informed people do, that you must be "wealthy" to homeschool? Interestingly enough, many of the schooled families I know, the public schooled families, pay more in school fees, school supplies, and ridiculously expensive after school activities than my own family, as unschoolers, does or ever has. Secondhand books, reasonably priced and free activities, and similar things are wonderful! I pride myself in my ability to find free and cheap things. It's actually fun, along with being easy on your wallet, and works perfectly with my plan to live a very simple life, living, by choice, on a small amount of money. Oh, and here, tests aren't that expensive. I don't know about other places. I don't plan to take any, unless I find that I genuinely need to to get where I want, in which case I'll study for a few months, take the damn test, and be done with it. I'm not exactly worried. Nope, decisions are not irreversible. At all! I honestly don't understand why you believe them to be... Perhaps because that's what you've always been told?

8. I HAVE HEARD THIS STUPID STATEMENT SO MANY GOD DAMNED TIMES!! Sorry, that's a bit of an over reaction lol. Like I said, I've heard it a lot. "Unschooling is fine, as long as you're motivated". NO. Unschooling works, because those who unschool BECOME motivated, because they are learning about what they want, what interests them and is relevant to them, when they want and need to learn it. In such a learning approach, each individual's journey is different, because each individual is different. Each individual is empowered, excited about life. As an unschooler, you learn. You just do. It's as natural as eating, sleeping, breathing. And I can actually throw "if you'd ever researched..." at you in this case. Schooling methods that look like modern methods are only a couple of hundred years old. The idea of real control at all is only 10,000 years old (and modern humans have been around about 300,000 years... A society that's based on hierarchy and control is a relatively recent development in our species' history). Before the agricultural revolution (10,000 to 12,000 years ago) humans learned from life. There was no lesson plan, no forcing of learning at all. And don't say there wasn't much to learn. Do some research, read about tribal peoples. They had every bit as much as we do to learn, it was simply different things they were learning! Unschooling is THE most natural approach to learning, because humans are hardwired to learn. They don't need forcing or pushing. You'd have to work hard to make someone NOT learn.

9. "Or else"... So you advocate threatening your child? Punishing your child? Does that sound like good parenting to you? Because if it does, that honestly makes me feel sad.

10. I can certainly make blatant statements like that, when everything I've read and learned and seen backs them up entirely. "You need guidance. You need control. That's just the way life is." I've most often heard the "that's the way life is" comment when people have nothing to back up their point. At no point in your video did you make a strong argument that people need control. Because there is no argument, that I've seen, that makes a strong, GOOD argument for control. I have, however, seen plenty of wonderful arguments AGAINST control. Sure, I'm biased in my opinions, but so is each individual, including the scientists who argue for and against control. All I can do is take in what I learn, both from third party sources and from my own life, and decide FOR MYSELF what's true.

Anyway, no apologies from you necessary, I wasn't insulted. Thanks for starting an interesting conversation! If you want to continue it, I'd prefer to do so over YouTube or Facebook messages, because I don't want to bore my subscribers with the same argument!"

I hope this whole exchange isn't utterly boring to those not involved!

Peace,
Idzie

Freedom and the absolute right to ones own body

If you want to see all my past vlogs, you can either check out my YouTube channel or click on the tag "vlogging" at the bottom of this post.

Peace,
Idzie

Sex and Drugs: An Unschooler's Perspective

I feel a little bit intimidated to be writing about this topic, since I feel it's a fairly big one, and something that many people feel very strongly about, and wonder about how unschoolers handle them. It doesn't really help that it's really late, and I'm not sure I can do the topic justice right now. However, I can always add more, edit things, or write whole new posts later on, so I don't really need to worry if I'm not entirely happy with what I write now!

A while back on Facebook, I was tagged in a note from a mother asking for advice on how to have "The Talk" with her 11 year old daughter. I thought about that a lot, but never answered, because my family never did have that much-talked-about Talk. When I was under two my mother became pregnant with my little sister, so of course I wanted to know how! Her answer was that Papa puts the sperm in her then a baby starts growing. After mulling that over for a while, again, I'd ask "how?" and get a more in depth answer. My mom never glossed over things, but neither did she push unwanted information on me. When I asked a question, she'd simply answer honestly. And so I learned about the very basics of sex at a young age! It also helped that when I was young we had an, erm, very sexually explicit dog, so I got a bit more of an idea from that, as funny and slightly embarrassing as it is to say it! :-P

When I was older, in my preteen years, my mom simply took a huge stack of books on sex ed. out from the library, and I'd surreptitiously flip through them whenever I felt like it. I went through a stage where I found talking about such things incredibly embarrassing, and would have completely flipped out had my mom attempted to "teach" me sex ed. As it was I learned from books, peers (and since I was always smart, I double checked peer learned information with much more reliable sources :-P), the internet (as much as the net is filled with pornography and bad information about sex, there is some good info if you look for it), and my mom (as a last resort!). The only kind of information I remember her kind of trying to force on me was about birth control. At that point, I already knew about everything she was telling me, and was quite peeved at her for embarrassing me by bringing up the subject! Suffice it to say, I learned sex ed naturally, through books and conversations and LIFE, just like an unschooler learns everything else!

In terms of menstruation, that was just normal. We never had closed doors in our house when I was young, and I simply learned about that through living with a grown woman! Again, I was embarrassed about such things, but my mom made it clear I just had to ask for supplies if I needed them, and other the that, I didn't need to talk about it unless I wanted to. I really was a very embarrassed child in many ways, looking back on things!

Nowadays in my family, sex isn't nearly as taboo a subject because, well, neither my sister nor I are really embarrassed anymore! My mother, sister, and I have had multiple really good conversations about various aspects of sexuality, both physical and emotional, and I think that's wonderful! There's absolutely no feeling of my mom "teaching" or "instructing" or the conversation in any way not being equal between us, because, well, it is equal! We're all just discussing something that is relevant and interesting to us, and although the three of us have had vastly different experiences in the matter, that doesn't change how we discuss things. It's a free sharing of ideas, opinions, and experiences, like all of our good conversations, and that's a wonderful thing. Also, my parents have never been advocates of "abstinence". The only thing they've been forceful about is safety. BE SAFE! Is the most my mom has ever said to me in terms of whether or not I "should" have sex. My parents trust that both my sister and I own our own bodies, respect ourselves, and know what we do or do not want to do with our bodies. I won't necessarily be happy (and haven't necessarily been happy) with every decision I make, but it's always MY decision and no one elses.

I actually find it rather amusing, if exasperating, that some people seem to think that un/homeschoolers will have inferior sex ed. knowledge, because my sister and I have actually been in the position of giving accurate info to schooled friends, who have very limited knowledge and a shit load of bad information! Our local high school doesn't even teach anatomy properly, because I know several guys who go to that school and have absolutely no grasp of female anatomy!

Alcohol consumption was never made into a big issue in my household, either. From the time I was young, I was always offered alcohol when my parents would have a glass of wine or similar. Neither of my parents are big drinkers, and I've never seen either of them drunk. Drinking alcohol was, and is, something consumed for the enjoyment of the drink, not to get drunk, in my family. I tried multiple different types of alcohol as they became available at different family functions and similar, decided what I liked and didn't like. And to this date, I have never been drunk. I've been slightly tipsy (emphasis on 'slightly') twice in my entire life. And honestly, I never plan on getting drunk. The thought does not appeal to me in the slightest, probably in large part because I really don't like being around people who are drunk. I have a strong sense of personal space, and one of the first thing people seem to lose when drinking is a sense of personal boundaries and other people's space. That, and I just find it gross!

In terms of drugs, I don't remember any "don't do drugs" type talk. I have a cutesy sticker stuck on my bookshelf in my room that says "Say Neigh to Drugs" with a picture of a horse, but I'm not even sure I knew what they were referring to when I got the sticker, and the main motivation in sticking it to my bookshelf was that I liked horses! :-P So really, my opinions on drugs have been formed by myself. And unsurprisingly if you've read my blog for any length of time, I do not believe that drugs should be illegal. I believe that every person has an absolute right to decide what they do or do not do to their bodies, as long as they don't infringe on another person's absolute right to do or not do whatever they want with their own bodies! It hasn't really been much of an issue so far, since neither my sister nor I have ever done drugs. However, I've made it clear to my mom at least (possibly both parents, but I'm not sure I've made it quite as clear to my dad, since he's more anti-drugs than my mother is) that I will try marijuana at some point. I don't feel it's something I need to keep absolutely secret. The reason I haven't yet, although I've certainly had the opportunity, is because there are several factors affecting my decision. I need to trust that what I'm taking into my body comes from a reliable source, and is not contaminated in any way, and I need to trust the people I'm with, because I want to be surrounded by people who will take care of me when my judgment is impaired. I'm not even that worried about what I'll do in terms of safety, because from what I've seen, marijuana doesn't really affect you to an extant that you're likely to do anything particularly dangerous, unless you're driving or similar. I just don't want to even do lesser things, embarrassing things, or anything I'll regret, really. The main thing is that before I'm willing to tamper with my state of consciousness, I want to feel that I'm in a comfortable and safe environment.

I think that's good for now. I may want to elaborate on some points in later posts, or talk about some points I've forgotten, but this will do for now. Also, I'd LOVE to hear from other unschoolers on how you handle the issues of sex and drugs. You can either leave your answer in the comments below, or write a whole post of your own on it! If you do decide to do a post, please leave the link in the comments, and I'll add them to a list at the bottom of this post. I actually decided to write this post after seeing a comment and her subsequent post on Michele's blog, so I'll start by adding that link!

Links to posts on sex and drugs on other unschooler's blogs:

Drugs...Sex...? by Michele of Natural Attachment

Sex, drugs, but no rock 'n roll....Sorry! by Stella of Not An Ordinary Teen

What's on a Teenager's Mind by Rochelle Blue of Penmanship of a Teenage Writer

The Talk and Other Things by Danya of Made of Carbon

Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n' Roll by Kaya of The Important Stuff (plus a few other things)

Peace,
Idzie

I hate schools.

When I think of how and what I thought just 8 or 9 months ago, I still find it hard to believe how much my opinions and worldview have changed.

Take unschooling, for example. Last Spring I was going through a period of extreme doubting and uncertainty. Now, I feel that schools are the LAST place that children and teens should be forced to go.

I spent some time wandering around YouTube today, and found some interesting stuff on unschooling (this video of an excerpt from one of Jensen's talks where he speaks about education was good, as were several of this guys videos on education). But it was a news segment on exercise to prevent childhood obesity, filmed in an elementary school, that got me thinking. Just seeing kids in schools makes me shudder in horror. Seem like an extreme reaction? Perhaps, but to me schools epitomize everything I hate about our society. Those in schools are brainwashed into accepting the world for how it is, instead of trying to change things. They're taught to be obedient to authority, to take what's given to them without question. Everything is regulated, numbered, scheduled. Schools do their very best to separate students from reality, to make sure their allegiance is to country, government, and whoever happens to be the boss/teacher/leader, not to the natural world, their own community, or their own hearts. Schools are institutions, and I'd say THE most powerful and influential institutions out there. Who else has children in their grasp from age 4 or 5 until 18 (assuming, of course, that students decide not to go on to university. Schools can continue until someone is well into their 20's, or even their 30's!), taking up most of their time, forcing the students mind to be filled with whatever the school wants them to think. Schools scare me, and I hate them, because they are so very affective. “School is the advertising agency which makes you believe that you need the society as it is.” said Ivan Illich, and I find that quote to be very true. John Taylor Gatto is another man who has some very enlightening things to say about schools, and the history of their creation.
"The structure of American schooling, 20th century style, began in 1806 when Napoleon's amateur soldiers beat the professional soldiers of Prussia at the battle of Jena. When your business is selling soldiers, losing a battle like that is serious. Almost immediately afterwards a German philosopher named Fichte delivered his famous "Address to the German Nation" which became one of the most influential documents in modern history. In effect he told the Prussian people that the party was over, that the nation would have to shape up through a new Utopian institution of forced schooling in which everyone would learn to take orders.

So the world got compulsion schooling at the end of a state bayonet for the first time in human history; modern forced schooling started in Prussia in 1819 with a clear vision of what centralized schools could deliver:

1.Obedient soldiers to the army;
2.Obedient workers to the mines;
3.Well subordinated civil servants to government;
4.Well subordinated clerks to industry
5.Citizens who thought alike about major issues. "

How can anyone be in support of schools if they've done even a bit of research into their history? But I suppose people don't really research things on their own all that often, if it's not required for some test or other. Schools don't exactly encourage independant research, especially into controversial, and damaging to the institution, subjects. So having gone through school without ever being encouraged to learn for themselves, to explore, question, and not accept things at face value, how can we expect people to learn how to learn? Don't get me wrong, I do realize that some people can go through school and yet still manage to be creative, questioning individuals, but sadly this seems to be far from the norm.

I just can't get over how much I hate schools. I've seen the damage they do first person so often, in the lives of my schooled friends, and in the faces of the people whom I explain unschooling to. I hate what schools, and our society, do to people. But it all starts with schools. I honestly believe that were it not for compulsary schooling, our world would not be in the awful shape it is today. With an intelligent populationthat that knew how to learn and how to question, there's no way some of the crap that's currently going on would continue. And that's why I feel that it's a calling of sorts for me to do as much as I can in my lifetime to promote unschooling, to give people the information they need to see how wrong the whole schooling institution is, and to support those who make the awesome and I'm sure very scary decision to leave school, or to take their kids out of school.

I hope this rant wasn't too incoherent. I'm tired, have a headache, and I'm afraid I may be coming down with my sister's cold. But I felt a spark of inspiration, and I really wanted to rant, so I decided to write this, headache or not! As always, feedback is much appreciated. :-)

Peace,
Idzie

"What do you do, anyway?"

I discovered an interesting article on unschooling teens today, titled Teenage Bohemia, and I was quite happy to find that it was very positive, as well as very surprised and rather flattered to see a brief mention of my blog title! However, reading it got me thinking... The teens featured in the article are all very busy. Outside of the home much of the time, doing tons of activities. And it seems to me that most teenage unschoolers have that in common. Just yesterday, an unschooling friend of mine, on hearing how empty my schedule was, asked "What do you DO anyway?". What do I do? Well, my (current) main interests focus mainly around human behavior, anti-civilizationism, unschooling, and environmentalism, and all of those things tie in very closely with each other. I've always said that I'm less interested in psychology, and more interested in sociology (and anthropology), since although an individual's behavior has always interested me, large group dynamics have always seemed far more interesting. Questions like how much human behavior is 'natural', and how much stems from civilization? How is human behavior different in different civilizations? Different parts of a country? Different parts of a city? Is there a difference in behavior between different social groups? What are those differences?

On a smaller scale, I love people watching, and have always found the most popular people, in the sense of who gets the most attention from the most people, not popular with a capital 'P', the most interesting. Their behavior affects the group they're in the most, and it's fascinating to watch how other people interact with them, and the ripple affects that their actions have. Perhaps that's one reason that anti-civilizationism fascinates me so much. In reading about that, there's a HUGE amount of sociology, pyscology, and anthropology involved. How do (did) traditional/aboriginal communities live? Why is our culture so different? How is it different? Is it "better"? How did we come to think that living this way is a good thing? In reading about, and sharing the opinions of, anti-authoritarian movements, quite possibly the most important thing about them is the emphasis on questioning, and not taking anything at face value.

Propaganda, brain washing, and control are something that I've also become highly aware of. It's a hobby of mine to listen to politicians, and explain what they're attempting to get people to think with their words. I love watching comercials and finding the unstated premisis on which they're built (something I notice most often is how advertisers presume people hate their lives), what the message is (often it's "Buy our product, it will give you momentary happiness in your dreary life"), and whether or not I think it's affective.

I also love environmentalism, and spend lots of time reading about how our civilization is literally destroying the world. I can tell you how everything we use or consume, from toilet paper to beef to CD's harms the earth.

I also spend a lot of time reading about unschooling, both in books, articles, and blogs.

Is that doing nothing? I don't think so. I feel much more of a kinship with the radical unschooling philosophy, since radical unschooling truly does consider everything you do to be learning. I find that a lot, although certainly not all, unschoolers still put a lot of value on the concrete, visible, more school like learning. I, however, happily sit on my couch, tearing appart commercials and explaining to my mom why I think cop shows enforce a certain way of looking at the world, and ultimately help those in power control people. My brain is working while I do that. It's just that the only people who hear about the workings of my brain tend to be my family or close friends.

Overall, I'm happy being at home most of the time, and not being super busy, unlike many unschoolers are. That said, I do feel that my life is currently unbalanced, and that I should start some new activities. Since I left cadets (and I have never regretted that descision), I feel that I am missing out on getting to observe group dynamics. Cadets taught me a lot, although none of it what they wanted to teach me. I learned how wrong authority, hierchy and control is. I learned how to tell when someone's manipulating you. I learned that brain washing is so effective because (of course) it's very hard to detect unless you're looking for it. I learned that people are often very easy to control. I learned a lot all right. And I'm so, so glad I'm out of it! But by the same token, my life has gotten too quiet. I want to start doing some new activities that are in line with my beliefs, interests, and ethics. But the big thing is, I want to get busier because that's what I actually want, not because someone else thinks I should be! And that, in my mind, is the essence of unschooling. Following what YOU feel is right for you, not what anyone else does.

Peace,
Idzie