Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dark skies

Life by turns continues to be depressing and good. Lately, sadly, depressing is still leading. I wanted to write something, even though the interesting thoughts in my head refuse to be made into a blog post, so I really don't have much interesting to say. So, I figured I'd put this little piece of randomness in a post, minimally edited. The ramblings of my mind as I sat in a car on a grey day in the parking lot of a plant nursery on my mother's Birthday. The sky was opressive, and the car smelled of tomato plants.

The glovebox is full of memories. I never even realized that until today. Depressed, bored, and trying to both distract and amuse myself, I open up the plastic door and start digging around inside. The first thing that catches my eye is Sackboy. He used to hang from a chain on my purse before the chain was broken or lost. I don't even remember which. I'd forgotten that Sackboy even existed. Next, I notice a bright flash of orange - a Kalahari wrist band that's been there since February, when we went to the UWWG. It was the first unschooling gathering we went to as a family (minus my dad). The barcode and phone number are wearing off. Memories keep coming as I pull other things out. The card from Uncle Gene's funeral, and the words on the back that made me cry when I first read them aloud in the car, a few monthes ago, as we drove home. "I have lived - God knows I have lived..." A parking slip from St. Annes. What a memory that is. I don't even emember why we were there. There's also a pile of yellow napkins, and a plastic bag filled with salt and pepper pckets, and plastic knives and forks, stolen from some long forgotten restaurant on the side of the highway. And a bill from an EconoLodge we never even ended up staying at...

I wonder how many words never written are tucked away in my brain, never to be found again... Hidden memories never to be recalled...

That's why I love gloveboxes.

Life is hard smetimes, especially when the way isn't clear, or when your happiness, which it almost always is, is dependant on others. I can't fix everything. I can't even change some things. And figuring out what is changeable and what isn't can be exceedingly difficult. But, I feel bad for complaining, and I really dont want to. I do know that things will get better. It's just hard waiting until it does.



  1. What a beautiful thing you wrote.
    Keep going...this too shall pass...

  2. I have a memory box under my bed, in which I keep things much like those you found in the glovebox. I love going through it, it makes my life seem like a whole instead of many fragments.


  3. Idzie, I think if people who live in our culture aren't feeling a certain despair and unease in their lives, they really aren't paying attention. Wrapping words around inchoate feelings, that's the work of the writer. Keep doing it. I look forward to every one of your posts.

  4. Well, little Orphan Annie, I'm not...so I won't be belting out about how the sun will come out tomorrow...

    Sometimes, life is shit. Period.
    Sometimes, it is so amazing you feel like you must be dreaming. Like you hit the most fantastic lottery, and life couldn't get better.

    Instead of trying to look towards a brighter day, just sit with these feelings. I recommend a book, "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore ( http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Nights-Soul-Thomas-Moore/dp/1592401333 )I read it once, while in the depths of my own dark night. I liked that it doesn't tell you to get over it, it reminds you to sift a dark night for its gold. It is transformative. It is a process...

    Much love, Idzie :)

  5. Depression - and panic attacks - are pretty common among teens. I went through it (I'm 40 now!) and my teenage son, also a homeschooler, had his first bout of depression this year.

    It's hard to deal with, and even harder to watch someone you love going through it.

    One thing I've learned over the years is that exercise helps. Even if you really, really don't want to, try dragging yourself outside, putting one some tunes and jogging for as long as you can stand it. Walk for awhile, then jog, walk and jog until you've worn yourself out. Then do it again the next day. Those natural endorphins really help.

  6. Don't feel bad for complaining... thats what your readers are here for. too listen to you when you're depressed, sad, happy, excited, mad, and every other emotion out there.
    it is hard to go through depression, but it will pass. that's one thing you know you can be sure of. it will pass.

  7. Idzie, you are strong, keep holding on and the bad times will pass! The dark skies will clear and sun will shine through again!!

    "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
    -- Albert Camus

  8. Ruth: Thanks. :-)

    Sheila: That sounds like a beautiful idea!

    ps pirro: That's very true. And thank you. :-)

    Wildly Cam: Thanks! That sounds like a really good idea. I'll check out the book...

    Jennifer: Thanks for the suggestion! Exercise helps everything, it seems. :-) I have been getting more lately, though perhaps not enough...

    Rochelle Blue: Thanks. :-)

    Stella: Thanks! And I really like that quote. :-)