Teenage Rebellion: An Unschooling, Respectfully Parented Perspective

There seems to be the almost universal belief among North American parents (I'm sure this is a phenomena found elsewhere as well, but I'm just talking about what I've personally seen) that their kids, whether these are theoretical future children or actual kids, and whether they have yet to reach their teen years or not, will hate or at the very least dislike them.  Teenagers hate their parents: everyone knows that.

My mother has told me that when my sister and I were small, she used to say to my father that he had to take over primary parental duties once we hit our teen years.  She's told me that she loved being a parent, and loved spending time with us, right from the get-go, but being surrounded by warnings of "wait until they become teenagers!" she always thought that would change when we got older.

Out for a Fall walk in 2008. We so obviously hate each other.

I suppose it's actually a very reasonable belief that your teens will dislike you: after all, most teens I know and have known do dislike their parents!  What isn't true though is that that dislike is inevitable.

The dreaded teenage years came in my family, and likely to my parents surprise, nothing horrible happened.  I mean, problems came up in day to day life, for sure, but looking back, I actually think that in terms of parent-child relationships and issues over "discipline" type stuff the teen years were (and are, as my sister is still a teen) smoother than when we were younger.  I attribute this to the fact that it was a constant progress over the years from more traditional parenting to more respectful parenting (which mirrored our transition from relaxed homeschoolers to unschoolers).

Though there are definitely unschooling parents/teens who don't have very good relationships with their teens/parents, it seems that the majority of unschoolers really and truly do.  Which to me, is a wonderful thing to see.  And I believe the reason for that is actually pretty simple.

When the subject of "teenage rebellion" comes up now, my mother is fond of saying "why would you rebel, since there wasn't really anything to rebel against?"

Now, I think there is an important distinction to be made here: some parents proudly brag about how their teens aren't "rebellious," and what they really mean is that their children are obedient to their parents wishes (or, possibly more likely, are simply very good at hiding the aspects of their life that their parents would disapprove of).  When I say that most unschoolers I know, myself included, don't or didn't "rebel" against our parents in our teen years, I don't mean it's because we fit the perfect-child model of some narrow-minded authoritarian-parenting suburbanite.

While I've never been very big into alcohol or drugs, I definitely drank long before the legal drinking age (though admittedly the whole culture in my home province of Quebec is very different from the rest of North America, in that virtually everyone drinks at least some amount from the time they hit their teens, with the parents knowledge).  My sister, who turns 18 (legal drinking age in Quebec) this summer, has been going to bars since she was 15 or 16, with my parents knowledge (again, very common practice in Montreal).  Both my sister and I have been openly anti-state, anti-hierarchy, and anti-authority for years.  I've dyed my hair unusual colours, shaved the sides of my head, and worn clothes throughout my teen years that plenty of parents I know would have disapproved of.  Sometimes we stay out late into the night.  We've been known to participate in Pagan religious rituals.  We swear frequently.  We hang out with people who are big into drugs.  If all those things were listed entirely out of context, it would probably sound like we were the people that many parents warn their kids about (then again, for all I know, parents have warned their kids about us...)!

This was taken last summer, but I still have the same haircut (though I need to shave the sides again).

So why do we get along so well with our parents?  It's pretty simple: control.  Or, more accurately, the lack of control.

Think of the things that most commonly cause friction between teens and their parents: breaking curfew, bad marks in school, skipping school, using drugs, subscribing to different religious and political views than their parents, disobeying parents...

Compare this to a respectful unschooling parent: no school, no marks, no curfews, no orders, and a belief that teens are entitled to their own beliefs.

I want to make it clear though that being a respectful parent doesn't mean agreeing with or approving of everything your teen does: it just means accepting and not attempting to control what they do.  Thus a parent that's strongly anti-drugs of all types might share all their opinions on the issue with their teens, give them information on why they believe what they do, etc.  Yet despite that, they wouldn't ground, punish, or shame their teen if they came home high.  In a mutually respectful relationship, teens are far more likely to genuinely take their parents opinions into account when deciding what they want to do, but teens are still their own complete and autonomous people, and will make the choices they deem best for themselves in the end.

My mum, sis and I all attend this event, and my father cheerfully lets me tell him all about it.

Parents in general, from the most to least mainstream out there, all seem to frequently express a wish that their children communicate with them and be honest with them.  Yet what the more authoritarian and punitive parents seem oblivious too is that no one is going to be honest with someone else if they know that by being honest, they're opening themselves up to be yelled at, punished, shamed, or treated with anything less than respect.  Those parents also don't seem to realize that good communication has to work both ways: parents can't expect their children to spill all the secrets of their lives, all their important thoughts and deeds, to someone who thinks their own personal life is none of their kids business.

I also want to make it clear that I don't, and didn't when I was still in my teens (having just turned 20 a couple of months ago, I still have trouble remembering I'm no longer a teen!), tell my parents everything.  I'm my own person, with my own life, and some things stay private.  Sometimes because it's something very personal, or a secret not mine to share, and sometimes it's because I know it would worry or upset them to know something.  Yes, occasionally I keep things (and have kept things in the past) I know my parents would disapprove of away from them, not because of any fear that I would "get in trouble" or anything like that, but simply because I don't want them upset or worried about things they ultimately have no control over. 


My (and my sister's) relationship with my parents is really good.  We talk to each other about everything from how we've been feeling, what we've been doing, interesting links online or news stories, what our friends are up to...  We don't stray away from subjects such as drug use and other illegal activity.  I'll cheerfully announce that a friend is taking up graffiti, and Emi will call to say she's headed out to a bar after band practice, so expect her home late.  I've never worried about coming home smelling like weed.  And because of the relationship we have, my sister and I have never hesitated to get our parents help when we're worried about a friend doing hard drugs, and we'd never hesitate to call instead of driving home with someone who's drunk. 

I'm incredibly grateful for the relationship I have with my parents, and that my parents are the people that they are.

So in conclusion, here are my very inexpert opinions on what makes a good parent-teen bond: respect, honesty, communication, and a lack of coercion and control.  Basically?  Treating each other like full and complete human beings, with different desires, beliefs, aspirations, and experiences.  It's such a simple concept: don't be your teen's enforcer, be their partner.  And if more parents acted this way?  Well, then I think we'd start seeing a hell of a lot less of this "teen rebellion" thing!

A Parental Right?

Whenever I hear people saying things like "Unschooling obviously wouldn't work for everyone, but parents should have a right to choose what's best for their kids," or one of the hundred other variants on that same sentiment, I always feeling a niggling sense of unease.  It's never a statement I've agreed with.  But until recently, I wasn't entirely sure why it bothered me!  I mean, there's the obvious in that I believe unschooling can work for anyone, as unschooling is really free choice in education, so a child could choose something very structured, like their parent teaching them with a curriculum or going to school.  But there was something more than that bothering me, and I only realized yesterday what it was.

That type of statement puts the focus on parental rights.  "It's a parents right to educate their children however they choose!"

But to me?  Unschooling isn't about parental rights.  It's about children's rights.  A childs right to choose their own path in life, with the support and assistance of parental or other care-giving figures in their life.

Me and my sister, playing on the beach. (I needed a picture of kids, so why not one of my sis and I?)

In a society where children are truly an oppressed class, denied the rights given to older people, I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that something I see as potentially majorly liberating for children, the right to take control of their own education, is couched as being a parental right instead.  For sure, I think it's important for parents to have the right to make decisions about their children's care, instead of the government or other powerful institutions, but in talking about a "parents right to unschool," I feel like we're taking away the power, in words at the very least, and words to a large extent shape thoughts, from the children themselves.  And that's definitely not something I think anyone should be doing.

Am I, once again, just quibbling over small details in the language used?  Perhaps.  But when something unsettles me, even if it seems like just a small something, I feel it's important to examine why, and I often just like working out or sharing my reasoning here on the blog!

Interviewing Kelly Hogaboom, Unschooling Parent and Writer

For my second ever podcast, I interviewed Kelly Hogaboom, a "lady, writer, mother, wife, sister, daughter, stitcher, and subscription-service black market restauranteur living in wet and green Hoquiam, Washington State, the United States."  She's also a blogger, unschooling/life learning parent, and all-round very cool person, as well as being someone with LOTS of interesting and eye-opening things to say (about unschooling, adultism, feminism, parenting, consensual living, and a variety of other subjects).  It was really great talking to her!  And you can listen to the conversation we had right here:

Listen to internet radio with idzie on Blog Talk Radio

Or by going here. (Notice that there's the option to "play in your default player."  I know that on my rather difficult computer, that's the only option that works properly!  Just wanted to let you know, in case your computer is difficult as well...)

Links to Kelly's sites and Twitter: kelly.hogaboom.org, underbellie.com, @kellyhogaboom, and @underbellie.

The interview with me and my mother that Kelly mentions: La Rééducation: An Unschooling Interview with a Mother and Daughter

Naomi Aldort on How Children Learn Manners

And I do believe that's all the links I can remember being mentioned!  However, it's quite likely I forgot some.  If you notice any ones mentioned in the podcast but missing here in this post, please let me know and I'll add them! 

This is a new project, and one I want to improve, so comments, questions, suggestions, are much appreciated!

La Rééducation: An Unschooling Interview with a Mother and Daughter

An episode of La Rééducation, a Quebec web-series on education, featuring an interview my mother and I did last April, is now out!



The first few minutes are of my friend Marike (unschooling mother and one of two people behind the freeschool starting up in Montreal), in French, and our interview starts, in English, at 3:44.

I find it interesting seeing this now, a year after it was recorded, as my answers to Mathieu's (the guy who put together this series) questions, the things I emphasized, would definitely be different were a similar interview to be conducted now.  Some of my opinions on unschooling have definitely changed (though nothing specifically mentioned in this video), I no longer really differentiate between unschooling and radical unschooling when I'm talking about it, and similar things...  Regardless, I'm pretty happy with what my mum and I had to say (mostly me...  Sorry for hogging the interview, mom!).

La Rééducation and La Déséducation (part 2 and 1 of this series, respectively) are currently only available in French, but a translation is in the works, and soon they'll be available in English as well!  It's a very interesting look at education in Quebec, it's problems, peoples opinions on it, and some marvelous solutions...

Podcast: A Conversation Between Grown Unschooled Siblings

I've been wanting to try making podcasts for a while now.  And guess what?  I finally did!  In this first episode of a podcast series that may, possibly, be called Unschoolers Are Us (I really haven't decided on a definite name yet), Emi joins me, and we talk about our unschooling experience.  So I am very happy to present you with the first episode:

Listen to internet radio with idzie on Blog Talk Radio

You can also listen to it at the following link: A Conversation Between Grown Unschooled Siblings

My vision for this podcast is for it to be a series of interesting interviews/discussions with unschoolers of all ages, as well as other people with interesting things to say about freedom-based and alternative education.  I'll keep everyone up to date on any developments/future episodes! 

If you like this idea, you may also want to check out Radio Free School and The Unschooler Experiment, both of which post very interesting podcasts. 

Comments, questions, suggestions, on this very exciting (at least to me) project are very welcome!!  (Also, apparently the site I'm using at the moment [I'm thinking I'll probably try to find something better at some point] inserts adds into archived episodes, so know if you encounter any, I haven't added them deliberately, and as long as I use BlogTalkRadio there's nothing I can do about it.)

Why is Unschooling so Fringe?

Being both slightly bored and having an urge to write, I asked people on Tumblr and Twitter to ask me questions, and Kelly kindly obliged with this one!  My answer is what follows.

Why do you think unschooling/life learning is so fringe? That is, only about 2.5% of American kids are out of school, and of that percentage, many are traditionally-homeschooled (with curriculum, schedules, etc.). In your opinion, what accounts for so few parents raising their children this way?

I think there are several reasons why unschooling is very much on the fringes.  Also feel free to share your own opinions in the comments, as I think this is a really interesting question to think about and discuss!  Now onto some possible reasons:

1. Though not the most influential reason, I think that simply because it's so little known unschooling remains on the fringes.  School is such an huge part of our culture that most people don't even realize that there are options other than school: for most, it's never even a question.  You have kids, you send them to school.  End of story.
2. People seem to believe somehow that, not so much that this is as good as it gets, but that this is as good as people can do at this point in time.  I feel like there's this pervasive idea in our society that this civilization is the pinnacle of human existence: that things have progressed neatly from horrible to steadily better throughout human existence, and thus wherever we are now in every aspect of this culture must be the best thing we've ever seen.  Thus, any other alternatives touted as more natural, more authentic, or imitating a way of living that has been successful in the far past is seen as going backwards: the opposite of "progress," which our culture so highly values.    
3. It's scary.  I think that's absolutely the biggest reason.  People are positively terrified of being thought strange, of not fitting in, of being an outsider.  To do anything radical is scary as hell, and most people simply aren't willing or able to overcome that fear.  'Cause the thing is, doing anything radical or fringe does make you an outsider to at least some extent (to what extent depends a lot on a multitude of factors).  And the only way something becomes not-fringe is if enough people are brave enough to be on the fringes in the first place...  It's a vicious circle!  

There are many other reasons, I'm sure, but I think I'll leave it there for now...  I'm curious, why do you think unschooling is on the fringes?

Why I Use "Labels"

As my blog description line so loudly (if blog description lines can be loud, that is) proclaims, I am an unschooling vegetarian animistic green-anarchist (a lot of people were interpreting "green anarchist" as two separate things: that I was both green, and an anarchist, instead of how it was supposed to be read: that I'm a green-anarchist, so I decided the dash was needed) feminist (I've been feeling far more strongly attached to that term lately, so figured I should add it) hippie child.

Some people eschew anything they see as labels, and that's fine.  But as a word lover, I kind of like walking around with a string of words attached to me.  I picture them trailing out behind my head, fluttering a bit in an imaginary breeze as I move around: a banner of pride.  Yeah, pretty fanciful mental image, I know.  But anyway, I choose to attach these words to my person because I identify strongly with them: they make me happy to use, I feel like each one describes me well, and I just like them.  Those words are my friends.

It's important, of course, that everyone gets to fill in their own labels. (Source)

So that's why I don't find "labels" such as those confining at all: when a word stops feeling good, I simply drop it.  As it is, I like being able to define my worldview, my philosophical views, basically the things that influence and impact the way I see things and choose to live my life, in ways that other people can (hopefully) understand.  People with similar views can find me that way, and I feel like it's a bit of a warning to everyone in general: look out, radical here!  I'm always slightly nervous that I'll encounter aggressive disagreement or stressful bullshit from random people when they discover what my views are, so I like to get it all out of the way as soon as possible, before I can start liking someone only to find they react in shock and disapproval when they discover what I really think about things!

Well, okay, that hasn't happened yet (the me liking someone then having them hate me because of my views bit, I mean.  The aggressive bullshit thing has definitely happened!).  But maybe that's just because of my clever strategy of being super open about my views right from the get-go, right?

Either way, I like my "labels" (though I prefer to refer to them simply as words, thus avoiding all the baggage that comes along with the L word).  I like describing things (anything and everything, really) in words, and thus I like describing me in words.  All the feelings I associate with the words I choose to use in regards to myself are positive, feel good ones, and as long as that continues to be the case, I'm going to hang onto them. 

Which is why you won't find me bashing labels anytime soon!

How I Learned to Write (It Involved a Lot of Reading!)

Some of what I learned in my early childhood (when we were very relaxed homeschoolers), I remember clearly, involved at least some formal lessons or schoolbooks.  There was a reading program I started, though when I decided I had no interest in continuing it, no one minded (my mother was always of the opinion that children will learn to read, without being taught, when they're ready too).  Math definitely involved workbooks (until I hated it enough at 11 or so that I put a stop to it).  But one thing I can say with absolute certainty: I have never had anything even close to a formal lesson on how to write.  And I'm not talking handwriting here, but actual writing: the thing I'm doing right now to create this post.

I like this fact, because I get to tell it to people who've read some of my stuff but are skeptical of unschooling, and watch the look of surprise and disbelief on their face.  I feel like it's a good and simple way to prove my point (my point being that children can learn without being forced to, or even taught how).

So, how did I learn to write?  Well, actually, I suppose I was writing to some small extent before I could even read.

Our house has always been full of books.  There's at least one bookcase in every single room of our house, except for the bathroom (which has only a small pile of books instead of a whole bookcase!).  The small library my family owns was collected over many years and from many different sources (book catalogs, stores, garage sales, library sales...).  My parents are big into readers!  Because of that, from the time I was in the womb, I was read to.  And having always heard stories, as a young child I think it was fairly natural that I'd want to create some of my own stories as well.  So I'd simply dictate them to my mother, who would very kindly write them down for me.

Our living room bookshelves...

Later, when I started reading myself, I jumped headlong into the world of fiction.  I read countless novels: sometimes as much as three books in one day (people are sometimes skeptical when I tell them I've read thousands of books, but I always assure them that really, I have)!  Historical fiction, teen contemporary fiction, mysteries, the supernatural...  And of course, always fantasy.  Where my interest in other genres has waxed and waned over time, fantasy has remained a constant (if you ever want good recommendations, just ask me.  I'll happily geek out about fantasy novels anytime!).  I love fiction, and have loved it for many years.  The way whole stories, characters, places can become so very real in the pages of a book is just...incredible.  I love reading stories.

And when I try and think of how I actually did learn to write, that's really where I trace it all back to: all the reading I did (and do).  Even being an unschooler and believing that children will learn naturally, I find myself marveling at how much I absorbed about the structure and rules of language simply from reading.  It was never a struggle when I started writing more myself.  I knew where commas went, how long was too long when it came to writing sentences, how to structure a paragraph, and similar intricacies of the written language.  Obviously, I've improved a lot since then (and will continue to grow and improve), but from the time I really started writing in earnest I had a very strong grasp of how to write.  I just needed practice.  Even when it came to spelling, the closest to "formal" learning I ever did was play a game, for fun and by choice, with my sister, where my mother would say a word, and my sister and I would try and get the correct spelling first.  Yes, both of us have always been writing/language nerds!

I almost wish I could place an exact time and moment when I started really writing, the same way I can with reading (the whole Harry Potter spurring me to read on my own is an anecdote I've told many times), but really, I don't think there's any moment I can pinpoint.  I learned to write from stories told or read to me over many years, then from reading dozens, hundreds of books myself.

Sometimes the way I learned growing up seems surreal to me, when I compare it to how most others spent their childhood.  Like I lived in a different world, despite my physical proximity to everyone else.  Sometimes (often), I still feel that way!  It's such a radically different way of living than that of the mainstream that it's hard to reconcile the two.  And I find myself frequently just really, really not getting why anyone thinks the traditional way of teaching small children is a good thing!  Learning can be so simple, so flowing, and so much fun, if only parents and educators would relax, sit back, be ready to help if wanted, but mainly just let it happen.  Children are remarkably good at learning!  As the great John Holt said:

"We do not need to motivate children into learning by wheedling, bribing or bullying. We do not need to keep picking away at their minds to make sure they are learning. What we need to do, and all we need to do, is bring as much of the world as we can (to them); give children as much help and guidance as they ask for; listen respectfully when they feel like talking; and then get out of the way. We can trust them to do the rest."