Guest Post: Answering Negative Questions Doesn't Need to be a Priority

I'm away right now (this post was scheduled, not published immediately), so I'm happy to have something to share on this blog even though I'm not here.  A big thanks to Michele for this post, the last in this summer mini-series of guest posts!  I love hearing Michele's perspective on things, and she's also the only one of the recent guest post authors whom I've been lucky enough to meet in person!  Enjoy. :-) 

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children. That includes your expectations. ~Jenna Robertson

When Idzie first asked me to write a post for her blog, I had lots of ideas running around in my head. I started out writing about 5 different posts, but each one either seemed forced, too fiery or just not quite 'me'. I ended up writing a sixth post, but two days before I was going to send it to Idzie, Jeff Sabo (http://justabaldman.blogspot.com/), had to go and have a guest post (http://frecklesfilledwithlove.blogspot.com/2010/07/very-timely-guest-post.html) at Jean Dorsey's blog and of course, it had to be about the SAME THING my post was about. Procrastination 1, Michele 0. So, after realizing that the subject of not being a perfect parent and NOT striving to be one, had been presented but not exhausted, I rewrote my post and here it is.

When we find that we're going to become parents, whether for the first time or the fourth time, many people will find it necessary (almost as if by some unwritten law) to give us all kinds of advice (especially when we ask them NOT to). This advice can easily be accepted/disregarded with a polite nod and smile or a simple, "Thank you, I'll give it some thought", but what can't be easily shrugged off: Questions.

People will ask you every question under the sun. It all starts with that one friend asking you if you are really having a cup of coffee when you are two months pregnant and then reciting to you ten years of research debating the effects of caffeine on a fetus. Next thing you know, people are lecturing you about how risky (or brave, in some cases) you are to be planning a homebirth and they are also equally amazed and horrified at some of the details ("you're going to do what with the placenta?"). Then there are questions about how long you plan on breastfeeding and advice about your answer (often horrible misinformation that can lead to an abrupt end to breastfeeding) and talk about which kind of diapering is better for the planet (cloth, disposable or those newfangled hybrid ones). Of course, you can always ignore these questions and not answer them, but for some, that makes life even worse than just being brutally honest about things.

But, what really kills are the non-verbal questions. When other parents use their eyes and body language to question your every move as a parent. You can feel their eyes like daggers when you are at a store and your child is pleading for something (some special/favorite type of food or toy) and you can't find it (all the while you are trying to console your child and explaining that you can drive to another store and look -- three stores later EVERYONE is finally happy): "What a spoiled brat. She needs to just take him home for causing such a scene. How can she promise to take him anywhere else?". You see them stare at you at the library because you are 'letting' your child read a 'questionable' comic book: "Really, you think that is appropriate for a seven year old?". You almost gasp at the look of horror on their faces when you are at the playground and your child is on top of the 'big toy' doing a tap dance and singing at the top of her lungs (they might even use their words as well and say, "I can't believe you let her up there."): "Are you crazy lady; don't you know that she might fall?". Out of the corner of your eye you catch your neighbor rolls her eyes or raise her eyebrows when you tell her grandson that he doesn't have to say, 'thank you' or address you as 'Mrs. So & So': "Is that how you teach your child manners?". There are too many of these to list them all.

We sometimes find ourselves second guessing our decisions when these things happen, when our choices or beliefs are questioned. It's no different for us whole-life radical unschooling parents: "Do they NOT have a bedtime?", "Surely, you at least limit their screen time or monitor the content of what they are watching/playing/surfing?", "Don't you get tired of picking up after them; shouldn't they be made to 'pull their weight'?" and "Is that anyway for you to 'let' your child talk to an adult?". It can be hard to remain calm and respectful (especially if these don't come naturally to you) when people make judgments on you based on how you parent (even more so when your child DOES something dangerous, harmful or insulting).

Unschoolers get a lot of extra criticism and questions when we fall short in the areas of being respectful to our children. We are not perfect and many of us were raised in some of the most traditional, mainstream and punitive ways, so we were taught to do things the exact opposite from how we are striving to live. We make mistakes, yet we know well enough to apologize to our children and our partners for those mistakes (or 'learning-takes'). Our friends and family can question our ability to parent well or question our decision to be radical unschoolers when they see or hear of us struggling or doing something less-than respectful to our children. They might say or think: "You are the one who wanted to be all, 'love and light and freedom' with your kids.", "Can't you see that he's running all over you? You just don't make accommodations like that for a small child.", "I thought you said you don't yell at your children because it's mean, not respectful and can make them fearful?", "Yeah, I can see how well this is working out for you. I would NEVER let my child do/say that." or "Is this what unschoolers do; let their children cry and scream when something doesn't go their way?".

It's hard to be a parent and each of us is doing the best we can in the present moment. We can always let hind-site teach us about ourselves and others and how to strive to be better parents. We also understand that being human is difficult and that every child and adult out there is doing the best that they can in the present moment. Life is what it is and we need to accept that before we can strive for change. We can't let the fears of other people or the expectations of others hinder us on our journey as parents. Perfect is something I (none of us) will ever be and that's okay with me, because I know that I'm doing the best I can AND that I'm always striving to be a little bit better.

The next time you are being negatively questioned by someone about your parenting and unschooling, remember that what they think and have to say means nothing if it doesn't aim to help you be a more tuned-in, peaceful and respectful parent.