Uncollege, Hackschooling, and When Success and Profit Hijack the Message

I've been grumbling and grumping periodically (on the blog Facebook page, Twitter, and other online haunts) about the problems I have with the uncollege/education hacking movements for over a year now. People have reacted differently, some saying I'm being overly critical, some agreeing, and some just saying then WRITE something already explaining your stance instead of just complaining! Those latter people are probably right, in that perhaps it would have been a good idea to write about that ages ago, but at the same time, I don't think the timing was right. I haven't been in quite the right head-space.

I finally got the push I needed when I read a post a few days ago by Jessica over at College Rebellion. Several things came together: that post, the post she links (When "Life Hacking" is Really White Privilege, which I read a month or two ago and which has really stuck with me), and a quote I remembered posting many months ago. Suddenly it wasn't just that I felt vaguely uncomfortable almost every time I read something about uncollege or education hacking, now I had an actual post in my head. A place to start.

"Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, [is] jumping on the 'self-directed learning' bandwagon these days.

And they are bringing to it all the same old bullshit - children who are 'more'. More curious, more motivated, more more more.

So let me put my position out there. For me this lifestyle is about a principle and that alone - offering as free a life as possible to my children and myself. It's not about making a little super genius, super diverse interest, super engaged human. These children are not circus performers. So stop showcasing who did what at the youngest age, who gives the best TED teen presentations and not think that to me it will look no different except now the child is at home.

Unschooling, self-directed lives, natural learning, call it what you want. If it's 'about' results then it's not my cup of tea. Into flow or no expectations? Then I can engage even if the flow includes results." -Gillian Goddard

I think expecting that once grown someone has the skills to support themselves  is reasonable (if there are jobs to be had, and if disability, mental illness, or other serious things don't impede someone's ability to do that... So even that expectation isn't cut and dried). Nevertheless this perfectly highlights, to me, one of the biggest problems I feel there is with the uncollege type movement.

People have taken a philosophy about learning more freely, a philosophy that should be exciting and comforting at the same time (following what interests you, combined with the comfort of choosing how much or little you feel able to do, free from the stress of a heavy college course load), and turned it into just the newest way to claw your way up the corporate ladder, become a wealthy entrepreneur, or otherwise become "successful" by the most capitalistic measures out there.

Who are they speaking to?

I say "movements," plural, in this post because it isn't necessarily one movement, but a collection of trends moving in generally the same direction, that share a lot of commonalities in attitudes and views.

Generally, there's lots of talks about how college is a waste of time and money; college is conventional and makes someone boring, and to truly stand out from the crowd you should do impressive things instead (like travel the world or start a business); corporations prefer people who are involved with business from a young age instead of going to college; you'll learn more than your peers in college; the way of the future is technology, and schools are outdated and lacking in technology...

A couple of those I agree with (like the fact that college is really ridiculously expensive in some parts of the world, and most definitely in the US, for instance, though it's not as bad where I live), but many other seem like pretty bad points, to be honest, and points that only seem especially relevant to a select group of people.

While not going to college is cheaper than going, for many people doing anything but directly entering the job market is a struggle. Many people don't come from families where parents can support either college or expensive travel adventures, for instance.

Underpinning at least my understanding of unschooling has always been life learning as a, perhaps, liberatory approach to education. An unschooling influenced by Wendy Priesnitz' talk of life learning as an important part of saving our planet and re-imagining ways of living together, and unschooling as an important part of decolonization. The uncollege-and-hacking-your-education movements don't even seem to realize social inequalities exist, or if they do they don't seem to care. Ignoring the existence of institutionalized inequalities doesn't erase them, it just means that those considered the default, those already most privileged in our society, continue to be those best served by an oblivious or uncaring movement: white, male, straight, middle and upper class. No, not everyone involved falls into those categories. But everything I've seen seems to show that many people involved fall into at least a couple of those, and that there's very little to no representation from those most marginalized.

In prioritizing corporate and business ideas of success above any type of societal shift for a more just, more egalitarian, more sustainable world, I think it's clear that this movement isn't and has never been for everyone. It's just a new way for those already in the lead (of a race that was rigged to start with) to pull even further ahead.

Money talks

With the surge in popularity for unschooling, uncollege, hacking your education, edupunking, the whole learning-more-independently-outside-of-educational-institutions thing, there's been a corresponding surge in people trying to make money off of this trend. A "trend-spotting firm" (something that, until very recently, I did not know existed) even predicted recently that unschooling counselor will be one of "8 new jobs people have in 2025." I think it's fair to say that job already exists, with numerous people offering unschooling and uncollege coaching over phone, Skype, and through online programs. New events and alternative programs claiming to support this type of education are popping up all over the place.

I don't think this is necessarily bad in and of itself. In fact, in plenty of cases this is a good thing! But it does point to a worrying trend of both turning unschooling into yet another specialty held by experts, and something you need to pay for to receive, instead of something everyone can do without any type of expert intervention (finances to have the time to pursue education permitting).

It also leads to some people misrepresenting their credentials, their success, and their experience in order to take advantage of a new market. I often feel like those claiming to want to help the unschooling or uncollege community--for a fee, of course--are far less concerned with helping and far ore concerned with that fee. Who's genuine and reasonable when it comes to the numerous books, programs, and coaching available is, of course, something each individual can only decide for themselves. If you trust someone, can afford their services, and gain positive things from it, that's great! And if you love something you're knowledgeable about and want to help support yourself through the sharing of that knowledge, I also don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'd just like to see maybe a bit more accountability to the community, and more openness about an individual's experience and troubles. If someone's life seems too good to be true, it might be because it isn't true.

Either way, I find it alarming that unschooling is being turned into a commodity, information and expertise to be bought and sold, instead of a free-form philosophy about living and learning.

I've never felt like there's much room for me

I'm not attending college or university, and I never have attended any type of educational institution. So initially, I got excited about all this new stuff. I joined groups on Facebook, followed blogs, read articles. And quickly started feeling disillusioned. Nowhere was I seeing the concern for humanity as a whole I was more used to seeing in unschooling circles. I was just seeing a lot of Success! And tech! And success in tech! And entrepreneurship! Business is good! I saw posts suggesting pursuing learning in ways that didn't appeal to me at all, grand adventures that I'd never want to go on (and in fact with my struggles with anxiety probably couldn't go on without suffering a breakdown) and couldn't afford. I didn't feel like my anxious queer hippie feminist self had a place in that movement at all, and I still don't.

Not a condemnation

All that said, I think the college-free movements have helped popularize some important ideas. I think popular advocates have said plenty of good and helpful things. I think plenty of people have gotten a lot of good out of being a part of these movements. I don't think they should cease to exist. I just think there are a lot of largely unacknowledged problems, big blind spots, and goals I can never get behind. I want to like seeing unschooling ideas for college aged people getting so much attention and support, but I just feel uneasy and uncomfortable by so much of it that I see and read. And I really just hope to see more awareness in the future of social realities, and goals more closely aligned with the true success of all people, not just the wealthiest, whitest, most male of the lot.

[Edited March 19th] The note about comments that was originally posted here was taken by some as an attempt to dissuade criticism or disagreement with this post, which was not my intent at all. So instead I'd just like to remind people, when discussing this potentially loaded topic, to please remain respectful in the comment section, and to note that I will be moderating it and deleting hostile/disrespectful comments. Thank you for your understanding!

Natural Born Learners: Unschooling and Autonomy in Education

It's been long in the works, and I've waited eagerly for this book to be released since I first heard about it! Edited by Beatrice Ekoko and Carlo Ricci, it includes transcribed interviews with some of the best known names in the unschooling and alternative education communities: Wendy Priesnitz, Pat Farenga, John Taylor Gatto, Grace Llewellyn, Sandra Dodd, Matt Hern, and many others! And then there's the interviews with grown unschoolers, about half of whom I know or have at least met in person, the other half of whom I know online. So I feel a mix of comfortable and humbled to be included in that company.

The actual interview I did? Well, that I feel less good about. Conducted in April of 2010, to be honest reading it I wince a bit. It's not exactly what I would have said had I been writing those responses now! I was given the opportunity to edit it at some point, but if my hazy memory of the instance serves correctly, I never responded to that email... Oops.

But, my personal opinion on old writing of mine aside, this book looks fantastic. A PDF version is sitting around in my computer, and I am very much hoping to finish and review it at some point, but since that doesn't seem to be happening as quickly as I'd originally hoped, I just wanted to share this book now!

I highly recommend you check this book it out, as all you really need to do is read the contents to know it's packed with insights from many thoughtful and engaging people with important things to say! Read all about the book here, or just go straight to Amazon to buy either the print or kindle version.

The Socialization Question Hits Adulthood: Unschooled Identity and Fitting In

My mother recently turned to me, looking thoughtful, and asked "do you ever feel out-of-place in groups of non-unschoolers?" My sister and I had just come back from a party, and it seemed to occur to her that she'd never asked that question before. Slightly startled, I thought about it for a moment, and replied "not really. Not if I have something else in common with the group, at least."

That question got me thinking, though, as I feel it deserves a longer and more thoughtful answer.

______________

As a child, I always felt out-of-place in schooled groups. But then again, I frequently felt out-of-place in homeschooling groups as well, seeing as the only ones around when I was young were highly religious, conservative, and not so into unschooling or even relaxed homeschooling. I was (and hey, still am) shy, and it took me a while to find groups I really felt good being a part of. The first groups I did feel comfortable in were unschooling ones, in my teens, once I started going to events like conferences and Not Back to School Camp.

NBTSC Vermont 2008 (Source)

But as an adult, it's different. And in the years since I started hanging out with unschoolers, I've frequently felt like I belonged quite well in various groups, both unschooling and not!

As with anyone, all it really takes is having something (or multiple somethings) in common with the group you're in. If you have a shared identity, interests in common, if you understand the social expectations of the particular community or type of group you find yourself in, you'll probably feel pretty comfortable. If you don't, well, then maybe you won't feel so at home.

______________

That party I'd just come back from, when my mother decided to ask that question, was made up almost entirely of 20-something queers. I identify as queer, and I know the language and vocabulary of social justice, the terminology most often used to discuss sexuality and gender, and share the same hippie-ness often found in such communities. That's the type of group I'll happily end up in conversations with multiple people, and won't be likely to feel out of place at all, even though most people there currently are or recently were students. I don't deliberately bring it up, but sometimes my lack-of-schooling still manages to make it's way into the conversation ("You said you're a writer, where do you write?" "Blogging, mostly, a few articles in a couple of magazines..." "Cool! What do you write about?" "Alternative education, mostly." "How did you get interested in that?" "Well, I didn't go to school..."). In this particular case the subject did come up at one point in the evening, which led to one person mentioning they went to an alternative elementary school and another one commenting how the linear way things are taught in schools doesn't actually fit the way most people learn.

______________

Perhaps the reason I feel so comfortable in the groups I most often find myself in is because the communities I've gravitated to are all "non-mainstream." Not just the unschooling community, but the queer community, politically radical communities, general hippie/organic farming/contra-dancing type crowds. Communities that both have a lot of overlap with each other, and also tend to be very unschool friendly. That doesn't mean I don't still get stupid questions sometimes, but it does mean that unless someone goes out of their way to ask inappropriate questions or make me feel othered, I'll probably feel like I fit in pretty well.

And when I DO feel out-of-place, as does inevitably happen sometimes (whether it's because the group at an event I went to wasn't the type of group I thought it would be, or I venture out of my regular type communities to go to some band party of my sister's), while it's sometimes because of unschooling, it's as often as not because I feel like I'm the queerest person there, or because I'm dressed "strangely" compared to those around me, or a combination of all of those things. It's virtually always more complicated than just "I'm the only unschooler here, wow I feel left out!"

Which kind of begs the question, how much does unschooling affect you? How much has unschooling affected me? I feel like unschooling has definitely had a huge impact on my life, as the very existence of this blog kind of shows. I feel that being an unschooler is an important part of my identity. But, so are many other things. I think unschooling has shaped the way I look at things. But, so have plenty of other experiences in my life. Not going to school has definitely affected the way I relate to people, but I don't really think it's made it harder to relate to people (or at least, no more so than any of my other identities). I'm just never quite sure how much credit to give to unschooling, how much of me was and is shaped by having not gone to school and how much would have been me no matter the educational experience I had.

My opinion on the matter changes fairly frequently. Sometimes I have felt that other people are setting me apart because of my education, sometimes I feel unschooling makes a bigger mark on people than other times. Who knows. All I do know is that it's important to me, but it's far from the only important element or experience in my life. And most of the time at least, it's not something that makes me feel out-of-place!

I'm always really interested in how other adult unschoolers feel about this. Do you feel unschooling has set you apart? Changed the way you relate to people? Is it an important part of your identity? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Vague Advice and the Flexibility of Unschooling

Sometimes I feel like I write with such vagueness.

I try to give as solid advice as I can, and to share as specifically as I'm able to what I've learned about unschooling by doing it. But when I look back at a lot of what I've written, sometimes I find myself thinking well yeah, what I'm saying is the truth as I see it, but is it specific enough to actually be helpful?

I'm guessing it is or people wouldn't read and like it, but sometimes I look at some of the other blogs out there, and admire how much they talk about Goals! And 10 steps to doing better at things! And so much detailed advice!

That envy never lasts though. Because when you're writing about unschooling, how can you say this is how you do it, no matter what specific "it" you're talking about? I can share what's worked in my own life, how I've approached learning myself, and that can be interesting and helpful for others, just as my reading about the experiences of others "uncolleging" can be helpful for me right now. But beyond that, unschooling is kind of all about figuring things out for yourself. As many ideas and resources and advice as I, or anyone else, shares, as much expertise on unschooling/life learning/uncollegeing and beyond any person claims to have or not have, ultimately it's just a vision of the possibilities available to you and your family. If we're to recognize how different each person (and each family and each community) is, we have to quickly realize that the more specific we get in talking about the how's, the less people are likely to find that actually works for them.

So I guess I'll just continue writing vaguely, or just talking about the very specific ways that have worked for me, personally. Because anything else, though it might make a more impressive post on occasion, just doesn't do justice to the truly personalized personalized journey that is unschooling.

Unschooling for Adults

Mostly what I write is aimed at unschoolers themselves (unschooling parents, teens, and grown unschoolers), and  potential unschoolers/those new to unschooling. But what about the people for whom unschooling, as in the practice of not going to elementary or high school and instead learning from life, is no longer an option, just because they’ve already finished with high school (sometimes quite a while ago)? For the schooled adults who discover unschooling and love what they see, and want to know how they can incorporate the ideas/ideals of unschooling into their own lives, this is the post for you.

Not being a schooled adult, I can’t swear this is the best advice for someone who was, but here are some things I think have the potential to make a difference in the way people approach learning in their own lives.

Forget everything you know about what is and isn’t “educational.” 

Most adults have a pretty set idea of what things are educational (things taught in school) and which things aren’t (things done for fun or leisure, aka things not taught in school). Learning is everywhere, if you’re looking for it, and there’s nothing that’s not worth your time to learn, as long as you want to be learning it! Spend your time learning about whatever you’re curious or passionate about, whether or not it seems particularly “useful” or “educational.”

Let go of any ideas you have about what the structure of learning is supposed to look like.

If you genuinely thrive on learning in a really structured and organized way, then go ahead and create your ideal curriculum, complete with scheduled study time for the next few months. But you can also just pick up a few books from the library to read whenever you feel like it, or spend time googling a subject in free moments between other commitments, or drop in to a local music jam whenever you want some help practicing. Learning can be as rigorous and structured or as relaxed and casual as you wish to make it. Learning doesn’t have to be pursued in a way that looks like school for it to be worthwhile.

I'm thinking of trying to find a fiddle teacher,
after wanting to play for many years.
Learning by myself isn't going as well as I'd hoped!

Learn to relax. 

There are times when unschoolers face the pressure to perform well, for sure: auditions and job interviews and university entrance exams. But for the most part, the meat of learning is done without someone looking critically over your shoulder, without the looming presence of quizzes and exams. Learning can be strictly for you, simply because you want to learn. Take a deep breath. Relax. Learning for the sake of learning can be really fun and exciting and rewarding.

There’s no end date to learning. 

“I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.” Eartha Kitt

There’s a reason that quote has lived at the top of my blog for years. Its message resonates with me, and reminds me that it’s never too late to learn something. You’re not too old to learn X instrument, or to decide to memorize the times tables, or learn anything else that you’re “supposed” to learn young. For as long as you’re alive, you can keep on learning any damn thing you want to.

All of these are important things to remember, for schooled people and unschoolers alike (I can get caught up in other peoples' expectations of what learning is, too). But the "secret," if there is one, comes down to just working on eroding the imaginary line between living and learning. Life learning is what it's all about.

What is your advice for adults wanting to incorporate unschooling ideals into their lives? What have you felt was helpful in your own life?

Emotional Health and the Power of Choice, or Why Kids Should be Able to Avoid Things

I've mentioned previously in passing that I think one of the benefits of unschooling is in the space it gives people to learn to handle things at their own pace. But I don't think I've ever said more on the subject than that.

So here's me saying more.

I think unschooling helps people to grow up as more emotionally healthy people, in part by giving them the opportunity to not deal with shit when they can't handle it.

I think it's important for people to have the option to avoid things when that feels like the healthy thing to do. What I mean by this is, for example, what I often did growing up struggling with anxiety. When a place or an activity or a person just made me too anxious, I could choose not to go back to that place or activity for as long as it took me to no longer feel anxious about it (whether that was a week or two or forever).

For others, it could mean not having to continuously deal with places or social groups where they're bullied, or things that feel too overwhelming.

Non-schoolers of various stripes are often accused of sheltering their kids, and while the type of sheltering that includes no sex ed and only teaching creationism might be problematic, the type of "sheltering" I favour is that of children learning to protect themselves by not dealing with more than they're capable of handling. Being able to make that call, instead of having no choice but to go to a place every single day where you might feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious, depressed, or be bullied and abused, is powerful. I'm so grateful for that.

I'd like to think I'm happily avoiding things that made me anxious
by practicing keyboard here.

Then of course you get a whole bunch of people saying "then how will they ever learn to deal with difficult situations?!" My response is that, firstly, why should anyone be subjected to harm, whether that's physical or emotional, if it can in any way be avoided? And secondly, that difficult situations and people are simply impossible to avoid no matter how "sheltered" a person is. What you can do is:

1. Not deal with actual abuse. No one, no matter their age, should ever be forced to deal with abusive people and situations. Ever. 
2. Wait until you feel ready to deal with something. Maybe it's impossible to avoid, but you need a bit of time to think things through, and prepare yourself. Everyone deserves that breathing space, if they need it.
3. Avoid the things that just aren't necessary. Maybe a certain activity is full of people who just love drama. Maybe you don't feel it's worth it to go to that activity, because it provides more negatives then positives in your life. So you can just, you know, stop going.

Because ultimately, difficult things are impossible to entirely (or sometimes even mostly) avoid. Your friend groups will have fights and issues, you'll have to support your friend who's going through something really rough, relationships will end, you'll run into abusive people, and sometimes you'll feel that you have to deal with an environment that feels really toxic.

But what unschooling can do is let you avoid some of the worst situations and some of the unnecessary ones. It gives children and teens a lot of the same freedom adults have, to quit a job with an abusive boss or stop going to that quilting class where people keep talking behind other peoples' backs. 

I think that children and teens, when given that freedom, can't help but be at least a bit healthier, happier, and better equipped to deal with difficulties in more intentional ways. 

And really, isn't that what we should all be striving for?

Anxiety: A Memoir, or How Living With a Mental Illness Sucks

For a long time now I've been wanting to write this post. It's been rattling around for months now, as an idea, and as something I feel almost compelled to share before I can even think of writing other posts. But I haven't until now because, honestly, writing has felt so hard, and this subject is so scary. It's a real baring of my most intimate life and insecurities, and there's always the terror of  not knowing how people will react.

But now it's mental health awareness week in the US. It isn't here in Canada: our mental health awareness week is in May, apparently. But seeing posts about mental illness starting this week from various networks of mine, it felt like a sign, or perhaps more just the final push I needed.

I have a (or more than one) anxiety disorder. As for what precisely in that category of various anxiety based disorders I live with, who knows. I think generalized anxiety disorder sounds most accurate, my GP thinks panic disorder and maybe obsessive compulsive disorder. I haven't sought the official diagnosis of a psychiatric professional for some very good reasons that I don't want to get into here. And really, I don't particularly care. I only care that I can say "I have an anxiety disorder" because it can help me find people who understand, and because I really hope that people will take me seriously (though with how shitty people dealing with mental illness are often treated, I'm probably hoping in vain). I'm not just kind of stressed, or worried, or what have you. I'm anxious. All the time.

I've been making a conscious effort in the past year to be more open about my anxiety, but I find myself easily slipping into talking about it in a colder, more detached way, or simply in a super brief and non-explanatory way. I have an anxiety disorder. I deal with a lot of anxiety. It's not actually that hard to say that. What's hard is talking about what that actually means in my life.

I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life. As a small child, I can remember holding my pee for hours when I was out, because I desperately didn't want to use the public toilet. When I eventually did, if any part of myself, my clothing, or my bag so much as brushed any part of the toilet (or perhaps even worse, the sanitary napkin disposal box), I would just shut down. Any further enjoyment I might have gotten out of the day was ruined, and I'd barely interact with anyone after that if I could help it. Because internally it was all about that moment of contact in the bathroom, paying attention to everything that that contaminated part of my skirt then touched: side of hand, purse, knee. So that I could make sure that I washed everything that was contaminated once I got home. When other children would come over to visit, I'd hang around near the bathroom door when they used it, to make sure I heard them wash their hands (and would go to my mother panicking if I didn't hear those taps go on).

As you're probably starting to realize, anxiety around cleanliness has always been a big thing with me. Health, too, relatedly (those "signs of a heart attack everyone should know!" things that go around the internet are really hard for me, as hearing about horrible diseases/illnesses I might have often leads to my having to spend several hours or more talking myself through my anxiety, and convincing myself I'm almost certainly not dying of something awful). And really, when it comes to cleanliness related anxiety, I've gotten a whole lot better. I learned, over the years, how to cope a lot better, and there are plenty of things that no longer bother me at all. There are still lots of things I do on a daily basis, lots of habits, that keep my anxiety about cleanliness specifically at bay, but the only time I have major meltdowns or shutdowns about it are when I'm already struggling: almost always when I'm away from home (the place I get to have control over, minimizing triggering things), tired, in a new or especially stressful environment. When those breakdowns do happen, it can be discouraging realizing I maybe haven't come as far as I'd thought I had, but I try to focus instead on how very much progress I have made.

Which is really part of the reason this past year has been so difficult. I stopped writing so much on this blog because, as I said about a year ago, unschooling and alternative/radical education is no longer something I feel as passionately about. Or, more accurately, I'm just not interested enough in it any longer to focus as much time on the subject as I had been. But I didn't mean to drop this blog as completely as I did. That happening has more to do with how much my mental health went down the toilet last winter, and has stayed at pretty much toilet levels since then.

It confused me, at first, because my primary relationship to anxiety has always been through the specific areas of cleanliness and health, yet my anxiety around those things has been at fairly steady levels for years. That didn't really get worse. But the constant fairly low-ish levels of anxiety I was used to living with started going up. And when the anxiety you constantly. Feel. All. The. Time. Gets to a certain point, you start to no longer be able to deal with even the smallest stressors, and even getting out of bed, getting dressed, and leaving the house start to be really, really hard. Anxiety has always made those things more difficult for me than for plenty of other people, it's seemed, but this seemed to be new levels of difficult, or at least more difficult than I'd experienced in years.

Physical health problems I'd dealt with in small ways for years started getting worse and worse, until I finally realized that it wasn't normal to constantly feel weak, to wake up never feeling rested, for my shoulders to be constantly knotted in lines of tension, for my heart to regularly race, to feel dizzy, shaky, and short of breath every single day. The multiple headaches (some mixture of tension and migraine headaches) a week I've been experiencing for years started to feel harder and harder to deal with. I didn't know what was wrong with me, physically, because I never imagined mental illness could have such a huge physical effect.

When I was a teenager, I'd sometimes get panic attacks. For those who've never gotten one before, it's a feeling of absolute terror, like you're dying. My heart would race, I couldn't breath, I'd have hot and cold sweats, shake violently, and yet with all of that also feel the strangest sense of detachment (which I quickly learned was known as "disassociation"), as if I was removed from my body. My previous experience with panic attacks made it confusing for me now, as I wasn't having full-blown attacks so felt my anxiety couldn't be *that* bad, even if the fear of having one still came regularly with a racing heartbeat, lying in bed in those hours between 2 and 4 am, when everything is too still and all your fears can find you. But because I could talk myself down enough for the panic to not get that bad, I felt my anxiety couldn't be all that bad, right?

Until a scary and embarrassing 911 call, made when my hands cramped up so badly from hyperventilating that I couldn't move them at all. That, and seeing a doctor, something terrifying and difficult and a decision made when the terror of not knowing what was going on with my body outweighed the terror of seeing a new doctor, made me realize that I'd literally been hyperventilating daily, for weeks, and just been unaware of it. Tingling hands, shortness of breath, dizziness? Just a regular fixture of everyday life, and also likely what's known as limited symptom attacks.

It was hard to realize that most of the health problems I've been dealing with are almost certainly anxiety related. And it has been difficult, yet also felt very important and healing, to finally, finally stop minimizing and dismissing my struggles. After years of going it's not so bad. Other people have it worse. I mean, I'm not *really* ill. Years of missed opportunities and meltdowns and regrets all because of anxiety. To finally be honest with myself, and say: this is a problem, I'm sick, and neither ignoring it nor putting myself down for it is helpful or healthy.

And about a month after making that conscious decision, I am doing a little bit better. I'm hyperventilating a lot less, and getting better at stopping the panic faster. I've tried out some meds to help reduce the amount of headaches I get. I feel like recognizing I have an illness and realizing I need to make conscious, deliberate steps to improve my health has been a bit of a turning point, and I'm doing better. Not good, but better.

And now I find myself turning outwards, not being solely focused on internal struggles, but also wanting to communicate my struggles, explain to people what's going on. Which is scary, not the least of which because people often react in really unhelpful ways. Without knowing about my illness, people have been saying hurtful things for years. As I wrote in a Facebook note about a year ago, my first time publicly talking about my anxiety:

people say the most hurtful shit to me, without having the faintest clue how hurtful it is. People crack jokes about me being a clean freak, tell me I should have a clipboard/respond with a “yes boss”/otherwise imply I’m being unreasonable and bossy, and similarly make an issue of my saying “that’s not clean” or “please wash your hands” or “please don’t put that on the table.” Which makes me feel really bad, to the point that sometimes I feel like bursting into tears (though luckily I generally manage not to). I feel really self-conscious about how others see me and my anxiety, and the best possible reaction is for people to at the very least act like they don’t find anything I’m doing, or politely requesting that they do, odd. I don’t want people to notice my anxiety, and I REALLY don’t want to be mocked for it. My family can make jokes about it without it being hurtful, but unless you know me well enough to feel you have a really good idea of whether I’ll be hurt by your joke or not, you shouldn't make it.

It's easy for people to make such comments in ignorance, because if I don't tell people about my anxiety, they don't know. I'm good at hiding it. Seeing as I've struggled with it since I was 6 or 7, you could say I have a lot of practice. I've carried on conversations with people while hyperventilating, my hands shaking heart racing, and they can't tell anything is wrong at all.

But even when I tell people, even when they do know, people say the most insensitive things. Become Buddhist! Try meditating! Just take deep breaths! Don't worry! All of which, to someone who's been constantly anxious for almost as long as they can remember, can feel like a slap in the face. Thank you, it never occurred to me to just take deep breaths. And offering meditation alone as a "cure" feels to me like handing a bandaid to someone with blood gushing from their slashed femoral artery and saying that will make it all better! 

I'm not saying that religion or meditation or mantras or many other things can't help people deal with their anxiety, because it can, but for someone without anxiety to think they can solve someone else's extremely difficult struggle with a perky suggestion of a lifestyle change, as if it was that easy, feels more insulting and hurtful than anything else.

Now as I come to the end of this post, I'm trying to feel out what the purpose of writing this is. And it's that I'm trying to be more open about this struggle, because hiding it makes me feel worse, not better. Because I hope that by sharing this struggle, as someone whom apparently other people admire, I hope people carrying stigmas about those with mental illness can examine any prejudices they might hold. And because I know how very, very helpful it has been for me to know I'm not alone in these experiences, and I hope that other people can know that too.

I'll be okay. I have supportive people in my life, and I don't want any of you kind people to worry. I just wanted, as always, to share.

Learning Advice from a Learning Life

Learning is something very personal and very individual, so having found myself being asked for generalized learning advice, I find myself both eager to share but hesitant about what to share!

So I'll simply do what I always strive to do: write from personal experiences. Share what I've found to be important in my own learning and in my own life, and hope that others can find it relatable or otherwise helpful. Much of this seems really obvious, yet at the same time I've never actually sat down and attempted to list all the things I find most important in my own learning, and seeing it all laid out like this is proving really interesting and revealing to me...

Be comfortable learning just enough and nothing more

Read the Wikipedia article, and if you're satisfied with that, stop. Go by your interest level, and don't feel an obligation to learn a lot about a subject if you're not interested in doing so.

Be comfortable focusing on one subject to the exclusion of (almost) all else

Sometimes digging deep and truly immersing yourself in something can be a wonderfully rewarding experience, and leaves you with a very deep knowledge of something or a high level of skill. If something seems wonderful enough to you to do that, go for it.

Learn alone

Books are great. So is the internet. So are solitary walks in the woods.

Self-taught ukulele player

Seek out groups, teachers, or mentors to learn

Sometimes learning with other people really feels best (for some people often, others, rarely). Whether it's in a group where big interesting discussions can happen, or finding a teacher who can help you gain the level of skill you want to have, learning with other people can be wonderful. There's nothing that says just because you're a self-directed learner you can't direct yourself towards lots of other people!

Don't force it

If you find yourself reading the same paragraph half a dozen times because you're just not taking it in, stop. Put the book down. Maybe permanently, maybe just until the next day if it seems interesting again then. But I do find, in my experience at least, that anything I've ever had to choke down or really force myself through, I've forgotten. Every single time. That doesn't mean you might not want to force yourself through a boring chapter in an otherwise interesting book on occasion, or get through a not-so-interesting article online because it's the only place you've found to get that specific information you want. Just that if you're really not enjoying something and there's nothing forcing you to do it (as in, you're not studying for a test you really want to pass), then give up. If you're not enjoying it and not taking it in, what's the point?

Learn to quit

We live in a society that despises "quitters," and we're reminded of this in small ways on a very regular basis. Quitting is usually equated with "failure" (something else we're taught to avoid at all cost), when in fact quitting is sometimes the best and healthiest thing to do. If you thought you wanted to learn ballroom dancing, but then find you hate ballroom dancing class with a passion, stop going. If you loved a subject deeply and spent all your time studying it, but now find yourself no longer feeling it's draw, find something else you want to devote your time to. If everything you've been doing for years has been towards achieving a specific goal, yet you come to the realization that that's no longer a goal that will make you happy, let go of it. This is a lot harder in practice than in theory, but I know I've found much happiness when I realize something's no longer working for me, no longer what I want, and choose to let go.

Ask for help

Even for unschoolers, who usually strive to learn from their community, asking for help can be hard (or at least it can be for this perfectionist unschooler!). But I've had to come to realize that sometimes, you really do need to just ask for help. People are usually very happy to oblige in sharing something they know about and enjoy doing!

Teacher-taught Highland snare drummer

Don't fear mistakes

Again, this is something that even unschoolers can struggle with. Personally, I generally hate learning brand new skills in groups, because I feel really self-conscious about not being good at something, and making mistakes in front of others. But as for the above, sometimes you really need to learn with and around others, and mistakes aren't something to be ashamed of.

Don't compare yourself to others

I fail at this one all the time, yet I always strive to do better at it. Don't compare your body of knowledge to other people, your level of skill in specific subjects, how long it takes you to learn something, or how you learn something. It won't help and it will most likely leave you feeling self-conscious and inadequate (or the reverse, and give you the mistaken idea you're smarter or better than someone else, instead of just that you have different strengths).

Don't let others' ideas about the right way to learn get in your way

If a particular way of learning something suggested by a friend, a teacher, a parent, or a book is working for you, awesome. But just because somebody says that X way is the best way to learn, doesn't mean it's the best way for you. Experiment, be flexible, be suspicious of anyone who says there's only one way to learn anything, and most importantly just go with what works for you.

What have you found helpful to keep in mind when it comes to your own learning? What advice would you give to others? As usual, I love hearing what you all have to say!